I must be on God’s list this year. Because there’s no way my life should feel this unfulfilling right now.
I have the most disrespectful little cousin. It’s downright disgusting. Saying things like make sure to pull his pants up after I’m done dick-riding. Like what? How disrespectful. Yuck, nobody wants that scrawny, hard-to-find shit. It made me want to cut him off for life. Maybe that’s cool with the younger part of my generation but not with me.
Then there’s all these boys who want to be around me, want to flirt, want to talk—but don’t ever want to show up for me.
One calls himself my work husband, but the minute I asked him for a favor, he told me he would do it then he went MIA—until I said never mind. Then suddenly he responded.
I asked another guy for the same favor, one who promised to call me the night before. I called him—no answer.
Some of them just ignored me altogether.
Even Hallo disappointed me. I was telling him about something that happened with one of his friends (who likes me), and he brushed it off like it was nothing.
It’s not that people can’t disagree with me. It’s how they do it.
He asked me to explain, to give him my time—and then told me, “It’s not that deep.”
That’s the part that pisses me off. I gave him my attention, my energy, my feelings—and got dismissed.
Even my cousin—someone I used to be super close with—has been distant. He doesn’t pick up my calls, doesn’t text back. And when he does call, it’s only to talk about the women in his life.
I’m scared he’s going down a dark path.
More on that later.
And my best friend of 10 years? Didn’t show up to my birthday party. Said she’d make it up to me, but I haven’t heard from her since. I tried reaching out, asked if she wanted to go out one night. She told me no because it was her sister’s birthday.
Okay. But… is she celebrating all day? All night? Could we reschedule?
I’m not a beggar, and I won’t force someone to hang out with me. I know people say, “Communicate how you feel,” but honestly—why can’t people just know not to treat others like this?
I’ve also been working on building a strong bond with my dog. Honestly, I love her more every day but I feel like she loves anyone that gives her attention even though I’m the one putting in all the work.
When I can’t watch her I ask my parents to and I guess they make my siblings/cousins watch them instead. My parents made a joke about me paying child support but that just makes me not want to bring her anymore, because now I feel like I’m asking too much. To make it worse, my dumb-ass disrespectful ass cousin reiterated to me that my parents said I would have to pay child support. Like stfu lil nigga. You pissed me off enough for one day.
But I stay composed and act unphased. I’m too old. Mature.
If I were to blow up they would look at me like I’m just an angry bird who hates everything. When in reality I try my best to be there for everyone and make them feel loved.
I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I’m not as confident. Not as radiant. Like something is trying to steal my light. I’m acting like I don’t care but secretly craving validation. To be seen by someone.
It just feels like I’m being so good, just to be treated so badly. Not even bad but forgotten about. Or not important enough. I try to make everyone feel included but people continue to outcast me. Why?
Echo R.S 