Author Archives: Echo R.Sđź’•

I've always wrote down my thoughts in a journal and decided I didn't just want to be talking to myself, I wanted the world to hear me too.

Journal of Raw Thoughts

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power.

I guess it all depends on your perspective — and what you choose. Happiness, or power.

For example, I want to know the truth behind religion.

I want to know the one true God — whoever that really is — and I’m starting to wonder if it’s even the God humans talk about. Maybe a lesser god, a “sub-God,” created us, through the spiritual branches of government and creation.

I came upon this thought while talking to ChatGPT.

The evolution of technology is extraordinary. I can type something in, and almost instantly, I get a response. It’s amazing. But then I started thinking — whose responses are these really? Someone had to write the code that made AI what it is. Someone gave it its thoughts and processes. It’s a machine, but humans are trying to make it sentient.

In a way, the founders are like gods to AI.

And if that’s true, maybe God is testing us the same way we’re testing technology.

What’s the end goal here? World peace? Control? Something bigger?

While searching for the truth, I find myself wondering — is it even worth knowing?

What would knowing do for me?

We are probably a creation, from a creation, from a creation.

I started this journey because I wanted to find the one true God.

But what if God doesn’t care about us?

What if there is no saving?

What if the truth is so hidden, so layered, that it’s impossible to ever fully understand?

It has me questioning everything.

I don’t know what’s real.

I don’t know if I’m on the right track.

And I don’t even know what this new knowledge would mean for my life.

Religion keeps so many people locked into a system. Maybe that’s the point — maybe it’s a test.

But when you start thinking outside of it… it gets scary.

I honestly don’t know if the truth is worth chasing.

Maybe ignorance is bliss after all.

I’m not a Satanist, but for those who are — what if they’re just adapting?

It’s an evil world we live in.

Maybe they’re just surviving in a system that’s stacked against us all.

I know we’re not supposed to cling to earthly things.

But Satan makes himself findable.

God, meanwhile, feels hidden.

And honestly? I’m going to need God to fight back.

People believe what’s in front of their eyes. We’re simple creatures. We need guidance.

But hiding while we cry out for answers doesn’t feel like guidance — it feels like abandonment.

And when we pray… who’s really answering?

Journal Entry #10

These Boys Are So Lame

I genuinely try to be friends with guys. I try to be nice. And somehow, they always manage to ruin it.

Take one of my coworkers — we’ll call him Larry. Larry told me he was getting me something for my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything, but I thought it was thoughtful that he even mentioned it.

He never got the present.

And honestly, I can’t stand when people make you chase them just to keep their own word. There was no reason for him to say it if he didn’t mean it.

Still, being the forgiving person I am, I tried to move past it. I’m bigger than presents. But during a phone call, Larry showed me exactly who he was. He told me I should be using men who hit on me for money — as if that’s the kind of person I aspire to be. When I made it clear that’s not who I am, he called me stupid for it. Said if he were a woman, he would use every man he could.

Not realizing, of course, that the real fool is him.

Does he think those women aren’t giving something up in return for that money? Does he think that life comes without a price? I refuse to prostitute myself for some cash — sorry if that offends his twisted little view of the world.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to him, but the way he talks to me is disgusting. I speak to people the way I want to be spoken to. Meanwhile, he thinks it’s cute to call me a dumbass, a dyke, stupid.

It’s not cute.

It’s a flashing neon sign telling me never to speak to him again.

He demands things from me, expects responses like he’s entitled to my time, yet he shows no real respect. He even admitted that his sister and best friend would never use men for money — and somehow, he doesn’t call them stupid. Only me.

It’s clear he doesn’t see me as someone he actually respects.

And frankly, I never gave him the impression we were that close.

He asks about my blogs like he can’t read them himself, and then acts like we’re best friends.

Boy, please.

Honestly, it’s no surprise he doesn’t have a girlfriend. You’d have to be an idiot to stick around — or he’d have to grow up first. But the way he carries himself just makes me sick.

I’ve thought about blocking him, but ignoring him and letting him talk to himself sounds a lot more satisfying.

Then there’s Hallo.

Boy, am I over him.

He texted me today, asking if I was working. I asked him why that’s the only time he ever texts me. His answer? “Because it’s the only time I get to see you.”

Huh?

If you actually wanted to see me, you’d make the effort.

So I told him, “That doesn’t mean that’s the only time you can talk to me.”

His response? He called me dry.

Excuse me?

I’ve never had a problem keeping a conversation going. If the energy feels dry, maybe you’re the problem.

But I kept it cute and responded, “I’m just following your lead, since you never have much to say.”

He then asked what I’ve been up to — and he’s been sitting on “delivered” for a few hours now.

Because honestly?

I’m over it. Go find someone else to play with.

Where is my prince charming?

I’m tired of all the games and these boys.

I promise you, once I find you, I will never let you go.

Journal Entry #9

I must be on God’s list this year. Because there’s no way my life should feel this unfulfilling right now.

I have the most disrespectful little cousin. It’s downright disgusting. Saying things like make sure to pull his pants up after I’m done dick-riding. Like what? How disrespectful. Yuck, nobody wants that scrawny, hard-to-find shit. It made me want to cut him off for life. Maybe that’s cool with the younger part of my generation but not with me.

Then there’s all these boys who want to be around me, want to flirt, want to talk—but don’t ever want to show up for me.

One calls himself my work husband, but the minute I asked him for a favor, he told me he would do it then he went MIA—until I said never mind. Then suddenly he responded.

I asked another guy for the same favor, one who promised to call me the night before. I called him—no answer.

Some of them just ignored me altogether.

Even Hallo disappointed me. I was telling him about something that happened with one of his friends (who likes me), and he brushed it off like it was nothing.

It’s not that people can’t disagree with me. It’s how they do it.

He asked me to explain, to give him my time—and then told me, “It’s not that deep.”

That’s the part that pisses me off. I gave him my attention, my energy, my feelings—and got dismissed.

Even my cousin—someone I used to be super close with—has been distant. He doesn’t pick up my calls, doesn’t text back. And when he does call, it’s only to talk about the women in his life.

I’m scared he’s going down a dark path.

More on that later.

And my best friend of 10 years? Didn’t show up to my birthday party. Said she’d make it up to me, but I haven’t heard from her since. I tried reaching out, asked if she wanted to go out one night. She told me no because it was her sister’s birthday.

Okay. But… is she celebrating all day? All night? Could we reschedule?

I’m not a beggar, and I won’t force someone to hang out with me. I know people say, “Communicate how you feel,” but honestly—why can’t people just know not to treat others like this?

I’ve also been working on building a strong bond with my dog. Honestly, I love her more every day but I feel like she loves anyone that gives her attention even though I’m the one putting in all the work.

When I can’t watch her I ask my parents to and I guess they make my siblings/cousins watch them instead. My parents made a joke about me paying child support but that just makes me not want to bring her anymore, because now I feel like I’m asking too much. To make it worse, my dumb-ass disrespectful ass cousin reiterated to me that my parents said I would have to pay child support. Like stfu lil nigga. You pissed me off enough for one day.

But I stay composed and act unphased. I’m too old. Mature.

If I were to blow up they would look at me like I’m just an angry bird who hates everything. When in reality I try my best to be there for everyone and make them feel loved.

I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I’m not as confident. Not as radiant. Like something is trying to steal my light. I’m acting like I don’t care but secretly craving validation. To be seen by someone.

It just feels like I’m being so good, just to be treated so badly. Not even bad but forgotten about. Or not important enough. I try to make everyone feel included but people continue to outcast me. Why?

Puppy Blog #4

Sometimes, I like hearing her cry.

It balances out the stress she causes me.

God forbid I put her in her playpen for a few minutes—with all her toys, treats, and blankets—only for her to still throw a fit.

So yeah, cry. Get it all out.

Because you’re not coming out.

I have things to do.

Things around the house.

And I can’t trust you not to pee or poop all over it.

I have to go to work—to keep the lights on, to keep food in your bowl.

You just don’t give a damn about the things I’m going through.

A couple of minutes in your playpen won’t kill you.

I wake up at the crack of dawn to walk you.

And you can’t give me five minutes to myself without a meltdown?

You do whatever you want—bite everything, bark when you don’t get your way.

So spoiled.

I’m annoyed and frustrated. I’m asking myself why I ever decided to get a dog in the first place? Why would I sign up for this?

Sometimes I hate it when you cry, I try to tiptoe around the house so you don’t wake up or hear me, but your senses are far too great.

I avoid moving so that you don’t wake up and start crying again

Sometimes I miss being by myself. But now I can’t imagine life without you.

You’re a good girl.

But you give me a headache.

This is 26 đźŽ‰đźŽ‚🥳

Let me start by saying: today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

And let me finish by saying: my patience is being tested at record levels.

We all know I don’t like when things don’t go my way. Now multiply that by ten—because it’s my birthday.

People love to tell me what they can and can’t do. It’s always me compromising.

I hate being there for people who don’t show me the same courtesy.

I hate when people don’t respond to my messages.

I hate when I ask a question and people act like they didn’t hear me.

I hate how inconsiderate people are.

I hate the games people play.

I hate that when someone disrespects me, I have to get out of character just to be heard—and still somehow end up the bad guy.

I hate putting others’ needs before my own.

I hate not getting everything I want.

I hate not being able to control everything.

I hate that my blog doesn’t get much traffic.

I hate how much I think about people who don’t think about me.

I hate how people always make everything about themselves.

I hate when my dog doesn’t listen.

I hate not being understood.

I hate people who play victim.

I hate compromising.

I hate failing.

I hate when God doesn’t talk to me.

I hate not feeling like myself.

I hate feeling insecure.

I hate feeling unloved.

I hate feeling ignored.

I hate feeling like I can’t be myself.

I hate feeling like I’m not important.

I hate feeling like I’m not special.

Though I’ve expressed my feelings through this post I still have so much anger. There is still so much left to say. I have a feeling at the bottom of my heart. Discouragement scapes the depths of my brain. Irritation is at the root of my emotions. On the edge of becoming numb and forgetting the world and its people. Forgetting that I care for people, forgetting they have emotions and they too need someone to lean on. But when am I going to stop letting people have full access to me when I barely have partial access to them?

I know this is kind of negative for my birthday—but honestly, what better way to start it off than with a little cathartic writing?