Cathartic – Page 2

Journal Entry #10

These Boys Are So Lame

I genuinely try to be friends with guys. I try to be nice. And somehow, they always manage to ruin it.

Take one of my coworkers — we’ll call him Larry. Larry told me he was getting me something for my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything, but I thought it was thoughtful that he even mentioned it.

He never got the present.

And honestly, I can’t stand when people make you chase them just to keep their own word. There was no reason for him to say it if he didn’t mean it.

Still, being the forgiving person I am, I tried to move past it. I’m bigger than presents. But during a phone call, Larry showed me exactly who he was. He told me I should be using men who hit on me for money — as if that’s the kind of person I aspire to be. When I made it clear that’s not who I am, he called me stupid for it. Said if he were a woman, he would use every man he could.

Not realizing, of course, that the real fool is him.

Does he think those women aren’t giving something up in return for that money? Does he think that life comes without a price? I refuse to prostitute myself for some cash — sorry if that offends his twisted little view of the world.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to him, but the way he talks to me is disgusting. I speak to people the way I want to be spoken to. Meanwhile, he thinks it’s cute to call me a dumbass, a dyke, stupid.

It’s not cute.

It’s a flashing neon sign telling me never to speak to him again.

He demands things from me, expects responses like he’s entitled to my time, yet he shows no real respect. He even admitted that his sister and best friend would never use men for money — and somehow, he doesn’t call them stupid. Only me.

It’s clear he doesn’t see me as someone he actually respects.

And frankly, I never gave him the impression we were that close.

He asks about my blogs like he can’t read them himself, and then acts like we’re best friends.

Boy, please.

Honestly, it’s no surprise he doesn’t have a girlfriend. You’d have to be an idiot to stick around — or he’d have to grow up first. But the way he carries himself just makes me sick.

I’ve thought about blocking him, but ignoring him and letting him talk to himself sounds a lot more satisfying.

Then there’s Hallo.

Boy, am I over him.

He texted me today, asking if I was working. I asked him why that’s the only time he ever texts me. His answer? “Because it’s the only time I get to see you.”

Huh?

If you actually wanted to see me, you’d make the effort.

So I told him, “That doesn’t mean that’s the only time you can talk to me.”

His response? He called me dry.

Excuse me?

I’ve never had a problem keeping a conversation going. If the energy feels dry, maybe you’re the problem.

But I kept it cute and responded, “I’m just following your lead, since you never have much to say.”

He then asked what I’ve been up to — and he’s been sitting on “delivered” for a few hours now.

Because honestly?

I’m over it. Go find someone else to play with.

Where is my prince charming?

I’m tired of all the games and these boys.

I promise you, once I find you, I will never let you go.

Journal Entry #9

I must be on God’s list this year. Because there’s no way my life should feel this unfulfilling right now.

I have the most disrespectful little cousin. It’s downright disgusting. Saying things like make sure to pull his pants up after I’m done dick-riding. Like what? How disrespectful. Yuck, nobody wants that scrawny, hard-to-find shit. It made me want to cut him off for life. Maybe that’s cool with the younger part of my generation but not with me.

Then there’s all these boys who want to be around me, want to flirt, want to talk—but don’t ever want to show up for me.

One calls himself my work husband, but the minute I asked him for a favor, he told me he would do it then he went MIA—until I said never mind. Then suddenly he responded.

I asked another guy for the same favor, one who promised to call me the night before. I called him—no answer.

Some of them just ignored me altogether.

Even Hallo disappointed me. I was telling him about something that happened with one of his friends (who likes me), and he brushed it off like it was nothing.

It’s not that people can’t disagree with me. It’s how they do it.

He asked me to explain, to give him my time—and then told me, “It’s not that deep.”

That’s the part that pisses me off. I gave him my attention, my energy, my feelings—and got dismissed.

Even my cousin—someone I used to be super close with—has been distant. He doesn’t pick up my calls, doesn’t text back. And when he does call, it’s only to talk about the women in his life.

I’m scared he’s going down a dark path.

Puppy Blog #4

Sometimes, I like hearing her cry.

It balances out the stress she causes me.

God forbid I put her in her playpen for a few minutes—with all her toys, treats, and blankets—only for her to still throw a fit.

So yeah, cry. Get it all out.

Because you’re not coming out.

I have things to do.

Things around the house.

And I can’t trust you not to pee or poop all over it.

I have to go to work—to keep the lights on, to keep food in your bowl.

You just don’t give a damn about the things I’m going through.

A couple of minutes in your playpen won’t kill you.

I wake up at the crack of dawn to walk you.

And you can’t give me five minutes to myself without a meltdown?

You do whatever you want—bite everything, bark when you don’t get your way.

So spoiled.

I’m annoyed and frustrated. I’m asking myself why I ever decided to get a dog in the first place? Why would I sign up for this?

Sometimes I hate it when you cry, I try to tiptoe around the house so you don’t wake up or hear me, but your senses are far too great.

I avoid moving so that you don’t wake up and start crying again

Sometimes I miss being by myself. But now I can’t imagine life without you.

You’re a good girl.

But you give me a headache.

“Not for Everyone, and That’s Fine”

Why did this man text me snapping? He clearly has issues, and I’m so glad I never went on a date with him. He called me a hoe, and when I fired back, he hit me with the usual—telling me I’m alone, that my box must be trash, that I need to focus on the fact that I’m single at 25, how it’s going to bring him joy that I have a period every month. Not knowing that I happen to really enjoy my period; makes me feel like a woman. And honestly, that just proves my point: a lot of men of this generation have lost their minds. I don’t tolerate disrespect. But I’m still mad at myself for even giving him my energy.

Marriage and having a man? Of course, I’d love that one day, but I’m in no rush. I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now regretting a decision I made just because I felt pressured. I want to know what I can tolerate, what I can live with. I don’t want to settle and end up resenting my own choices. Right now, my focus is on me and my career.

I don’t fit in with a lot of people, and maybe that’s because I’m very honest. Or maybe it’s the way I carry myself—with confidence love and self respect. But some people perceive that as I think I’m better than everyone. People just assume things about me before even getting to know me. They will never know the trials and tribulations I went through to even become the woman I am today.

When you’re leveling up, there’s always something trying to hold you back. I have to let go of anything pulling me down. That includes men like him. The men who hate women and only want to use women for their bodies.

I don’t care about the things other people obsess over. Sex is whatever at this point—it’s all men seem to think about, and I’m just over it. The second I call them out for treating me like an object, suddenly I’m a hoe, I play games, I’m not even pretty. Same tired story.

And then there’s the women who don’t like me for no reason. But I knew this was coming. I was getting along with too many people, and I wondered when the shoe would drop. I’ve never been a social butterfly. I keep to myself for a reason.

I know the truth about myself, and that’s all that matters. I’m self-aware. I trust my own eyes. I trust my own instincts. People may not see the error in their ways, but I do. And no one likes being corrected.

A Fight Within😔

I feel like snapping. There’s a part of me that wants to give in—to turn away from the good in me, to surrender to the bad urges clawing at the surface. A part of me that’s fighting the rest.

God, why did You give us the ability to feel this way? To battle ourselves like this?

A part of me wants to sink into hopelessness. To believe that no one is here to save me. That I should just give up and watch my life pass me by. There’s a weight in my chest, a part of me that just wants to be a passenger.

I need to stop drinking. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I thought wine was harmless. Apparently, not all wine is.