Personal Essay – Page 4

This is 26 🎉🎂🥳

Let me start by saying: today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

And let me finish by saying: my patience is being tested at record levels.

We all know I don’t like when things don’t go my way. Now multiply that by ten—because it’s my birthday.

People love to tell me what they can and can’t do. It’s always me compromising.

I hate being there for people who don’t show me the same courtesy.

I hate when people don’t respond to my messages.

I hate when I ask a question and people act like they didn’t hear me.

I hate how inconsiderate people are.

I hate the games people play.

I hate that when someone disrespects me, I have to get out of character just to be heard—and still somehow end up the bad guy.

I hate putting others’ needs before my own.

I hate not getting everything I want.

I hate not being able to control everything.

I hate that my blog doesn’t get much traffic.

I hate how much I think about people who don’t think about me.

I hate how people always make everything about themselves.

I hate when my dog doesn’t listen.

I hate not being understood.

I hate people who play victim.

I hate compromising.

I hate failing.

I hate when God doesn’t talk to me.

I hate not feeling like myself.

I hate feeling insecure.

I hate feeling unloved.

I hate feeling ignored.

I hate feeling like I can’t be myself.

I hate feeling like I’m not important.

I hate feeling like I’m not special.

Though I’ve expressed my feelings through this post I still have so much anger. There is still so much left to say. I have a feeling at the bottom of my heart. Discouragement scapes the depths of my brain. Irritation is at the root of my emotions. On the edge of becoming numb and forgetting the world and its people. Forgetting that I care for people, forgetting they have emotions and they too need someone to lean on. But when am I going to stop letting people have full access to me when I barely have partial access to them?

I know this is kind of negative for my birthday—but honestly, what better way to start it off than with a little cathartic writing?

Journal Entry #8

So he texted me today—we’ll just call him Hallo. Just to see if I was working and it seems like if I’m not then we don’t have anything to talk about. Almost as if he can’t be texting me because someone may check his phone? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Honestly, I’m losing interest. It feels like he’s playing games—typical of a guy his age, but I thought he could be different. I thought, why not give him a chance? Silly me.

I was talking to my dad, and he put me on game. He told me that when he says he can’t talk to me because of loyalty to his friends, that’s his way of playing the game. He wants me to chase him, so he can tell his friends he was the one who got me without even trying. I was the one chasing him while they were all chasing me. It’s about bragging rights. And that makes so much sense. And here I am, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe he’s not like that. Maybe this is how my dad was, but not all men are like that. But I can’t ignore the vibes I’m getting from him, and it’s disappointing. I really wanted it to be different this time.

I like the feeling of liking someone, but why do so many men have to be like this? Why is it so hard to find an upstanding guy? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants me for more than just my body? I want someone who can have a real conversation, someone with goals, dreams, and loyalty. And also, someone who’s good-looking. Are all those men taken? Am I not worthy of one?

I get called pretty all the time, but it’s hard to believe it when I keep attracting the same kind of trash. I just want a man to be straight up. To be a man of his word. To say what he means and mean what he says. I know I have things to work on too, but damn, these men need a total overhaul. I’m sickkkk 🤢.

“The Silence That Answered Me”

I was half expecting to see him tonight, but he never showed.

He told me he worked today. I told him I worked too.

But there was no sight of him. Not even a text.

I know it’s a little soon to be checking my phone, waiting, hoping.

He doesn’t owe me anything—

Still, I kept watching the door like he might walk through it.

Waiting for a message saying he was coming to see me.

It never came.

I glanced toward the corner every few minutes,

Almost broke my neck trying to see if it was him outside the door.

But he never came.

Maybe he meant it when he said he couldn’t talk to me because of his friends.

Maybe he never liked me at all,

And I just made up stories in my head.

Maybe he called off.

Maybe he was with the girl he’s been talking to.

So many maybes.

Not a great beginning—

For something that never got the chance to start.

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

The Challenge

I ended up texting him. It was light-hearted, and I learned more about him. It was easy, smooth, and funny.

He came to see me at my job tonight. He talked about himself and I noticed a bit of a victim mentality. He hasn’t done real self-reflection and he says one thing but means another. For example, he says we can’t talk out of loyalty to men who have called dibs on me like I’m in the front seat of a car. Men I’m not interested in but apparently since they wanted me first, I’m off limits. However, he told me he was attracted to me and that I’m an amazing woman not just because of my looks but because I’m nice with a great personality and easy to talk to.

When he told me we couldn’t talk because of them, I quickly countered with a “we’ll see”, which he liked based on the grin and laugh that followed my statement.

He went on to tell me how these people have been there for him through dark times, and not to be insensitive but what does that have to do with me? I want you, not them. I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me.

I will say, that his dealing with another female at the moment is a deal breaker for me because I don’t share nor do I take…(anymore). Doesn’t usually end well. But let him tell it, they haven’t been talking because they needed space. Still a red flag because I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. And he is the type to jump from one girl to the next.

Black Tee

Meanwhile—tonight, something else happened.

One of my coworkers caught my eye. I mean really caught it. Perfect smile. Perfect teeth. Dreadhead. Deep voice. Handsome. I’d noticed him before, but tonight? Different. He approached me, vibrant and confident. Normally he’s quiet. It was a quick conversation but 😮‍💨 I may need to get to know him off the clock. I didn’t even like him at first, I thought he was very inconsiderate and he cut me off when I was talking or tried to talk over me. But all of that flew out the window when he changed into a black tee after his shift. Black tees just do something to me. It felt like he wanted to talk more, but right as things started… guess who walked in? So I had to make a choice. I told my coworker goodnight. I checked the schedule to see when we work together next and it won’t be for a while 😔.

Our Challenge continued…

Back to my current crush. He’s had his heart broken, another red flag. It seems like he doesn’t want me to know that he likes me. Claiming the reason he started talking to me isn’t because of his interest in me but because of the resources I can provide. But the stories his friends told me contradict what he says. The fact that he has never asked me for said resource tells me a different story. He claims we can’t talk but comes to see me at work. He does work closely, but still. I don’t go over to his job to see him before going home. He’ll text me to see if I’m working on the same days as him. I don’t do that.

However, I did tell him I liked him and that I was interested (not so bluntly but enough to get the picture). I do text him in a rather enthusiastic and eager manner. So I wouldn’t say that this is all one sided.

I believe he’s trying to be a good friend and a good man by telling himself the reason we talk is strictly platonic and innocent. While also realizing that there is more going on than he’s letting on.

Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We’re trying to stay away from each other but feeling that pull. Knowing that our talking could potentially hurt people (and ourselves), but still wanting to do it anyway.

The Mirror

I’ve gone over his red flags but what are mine? He told me that he felt I was leading his friend D on. D felt like I was leading his friend J on. And maybe I do lead men on. The truth is, I like the attention. I don’t like these men but I love their attention. I hate it when I lose it. But it has nothing to do with me liking them romantically. (and hey don’t judge we all have our flaws).

I don’t always consider other people’s feelings—especially when they get in the way of what I want. I’m selfish. Sometimes cruel.

The Game

This game feels better than the one I’m used to playing. The last game I played with a boy felt forced, this one feels more natural and warm. There are levels to it, let’s just see how far we make it.

Journal Entry #7

Ughh I want to text this boy. I can’t though. He talks to someone yet presents himself as fair game. He’s my type, but younger. I’m trying to stay away from these cubs but they keep finding me. I can’t talk to him because he’ll brag to the circle of friends that we share. I don’t normally text anyone first, so texting him would show interest. I’m not trying to play games but why does it feel like I’ve entered one? Ughh boyssss.

If I was to text him though I don’t know how I would start it off. Maybe something like:

“You don’t know how to text?”
“Heyyy, how was your day?“
“When are we going to hang out?”

But then I think about the drama that can occur. Another problem I don’t need to add to my life. I always end up disappointed in the end anyway, feelings of regret and wishing I never messed with these men in the first place.

But I also don’t want to be a woman who doesn’t give chances to men out of fear. An avoidant woman too scared to even give a man an opportunity. Too broken to see a blessing standing in my face.

I feel chemistry with him. Something I haven’t felt for a while. However, I feel like I pulled away when he tried touching me. Caught a little off guard by the sudden light touch of his hands caressing my arms as he asked me to go to a park with him (as friends of course). I wasn’t sure if I liked it. What I was sure of was that I wasn’t going to give him a chance. I don’t like some of his choice of words and he talks about himself a lot. Doesn’t know what he wants. Jumps from girl to girl it seems. Arrogant and thinks he can pull any girl he wants. Claims that he’s loyal, yet loves making his girl jealous with his female friends. Loyal but flirting with me while still tangled up with her. Cocky as to think any girl would sleep with him because he’s quote “like that”. So you can see my hesitation?

Yet these are the men I’m attracted to. Am I emotionally unavailable? I thought I was working on it and getting better. Yet I’m attracted to the same old thing.

He does have some good qualities though. He has goals, unlike anyone I’ve met before. We talked about our futures separately and it sounds like we want to end up in the same place. He asked questions about me, which not a lot of guys are good at. He’s fairly smooth. He can make me laugh and I can make him laugh.

I’m never really able to tell when a guy has a good conversation, though, because I talk so much. I pick up so much of the slack, and maybe that’s because I like to be in control and don’t give others the chance to speak. But a lot of people hold silence, and I just feel like I have to fill it unless I’m comfortable with the person.

He kind of got a sour look on his face when I was waving at another man that walked in which kind of gave me the ick. Like why are you jealous? You have to know if you’re trying to talk to me, other men are trying to talk to me. Just like other women are trying to talk to you, not to mention the girl you are currently SMASHING.

I can’t let him know I’m interested. Call it pride, ego, or avoidance, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

I’m resisting the urge to text him, but the more I tell myself not to do it, the more I want to. Let the games begin.