Category Archives: Personal Essay

Journal Entry #6

I donā€™t know whatā€™s wrong with me lately. Maybe itā€™s my period about to start, maybe itā€™s the lack of sleep, or maybe Iā€™m just frustrated that nothing is going my way. I thought yoga was supposed to calm me down, but honestly, itā€™s had the opposite effect. I didnā€™t get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying that Whiskey would start crying and need me. I was anticipating her disturbing my peace before it even happened.

We had fun this morning when I took her for a walk. Sheā€™s been so good about not going to the bathroom inside, and I love those little moments where she listens and we connect. But small things are starting to get on my nerves. Like when I was trying to cut the hair by her eyes, and of course, she kept moving. I mean, why wouldnā€™t she? I was using something sharp near her eyes. She follows me everywhere and cries when I leave the room. Iā€™m trying to train her to stay in her playpen, but she was howling to get out. I didnā€™t want to reinforce that behavior, but she found her way out anyway.

Then there was the car ride. I had to drop her off at my parentsā€™ house because I had to go to work, and she started off so wellā€”sitting, laying down, just chilling. But out of nowhere, she tried climbing out. I was driving, and it was frustrating trying to get her to stay in the travel crate. I leave the top open so she doesnā€™t feel trapped, but I still needed her to stay put. I had to gently push her back in, but I was losing patience. I ended up yelling at her, and she still didnā€™t listen. Sheā€™s a good girl, but man, sheā€™s starting to get on my nervesssss.

When I dropped her off at my parentā€™s house, I went through all the stuff I brought for herā€”food, toys, everything. But my dad brushed me off and said they had it. Like, what? Iā€™m trying to make sure sheā€™s okay, and he just dismissed it. It makes me wonder if I should leave her with someone else. But I guess thatā€™s what happens when the service is free.

On top of all that, my bills are coming up, and despite applying to so many jobs, Iā€™ve had no luck. The job Iā€™m at now plays favorites, and Iā€™m getting fewer hours every week. They keep making these long lists of tasks, and Iā€™m just thinkingā€”why would I go the extra mile when I only get hours when their favorites call out? Let them do it.

I asked my friend a simple yes or no question, and have been on delivered for 2 days. Yet when she texts me she expects me to answer right away. Sheā€™s okay with leaving me downtown alone, breaking the girl code. She was even ready to leave her best friend at a hookah lounge over a disagreement. Itā€™s like she thinks the world revolves around her. And when she does text me, itā€™s only about going out and getting attention from men sheā€™s too afraid to talk to in the first place.

Lately, Iā€™ve been feeling irritable, and maybe itā€™s because I like things my way.

Things in my life are starting to change. I can feel my circle shifting, and my life is moving in a different direction. Itā€™s frustrating and uncomfortable, but Iā€™m finding a way to deal with it through writing. Thatā€™s where I feel most in control.

Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I donā€™t mean to get jealous when I hear people say theyā€™ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like Iā€™m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasnā€™t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe Iā€™ve messed up so badly that thereā€™s no redemption for me?

People say theyā€™ve felt Jesusā€™ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happeningā€”the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbersā€”this canā€™t be a coincidence. I know people say itā€™s always been like this, but itā€™s getting worse.

Maybe itā€™s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all Heā€™s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I havenā€™t felt Him, that He doesnā€™t talk to me, that I canā€™t hear His voice and know itā€™s Himā€”does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, Iā€™ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why canā€™t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when youā€™re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone elseā€™s rule? Iā€™m 26. I donā€™t want to live with my parentsā€”I want to start my own life. Iā€™d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions donā€™t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? Iā€™ve chosen the side of good, but in the endā€¦ what will His judgment decide?

Journal Entry #5

I liked this girl. I genuinely used to like this girl. Which is new to me because generally, I don’t like people. A lot have strange traits I don’t agree with but hey, pop off and be yourself. But when they start fixing their mouth to talk about me and mine that’s where I draw the line. Who made you judge and jury? The only person that can judge us is God. Yes, be entitled to your opinion but don’t let me hear it. Don’t let that news get back to me, because now I’m finna fire that ass up.

My family was just ridiculed for being a bad influence because some smoke weed and drink. As is their adult right. Theyā€™re not harming anyone and in this day in age more people smoke weed and drink than those who don’t. Saying we have questionable morals, according to who? And what about our morals are questionable? The fact that weā€™re always there for our family? That we love unconditionally? Iā€™m so tired of people letting ignorance speak for them. Why don’t yā€™all ever have anything positive to say about us? Why don’t we talk about the fact that none of us are in jail? Talk about how all of us went to college. Talk about how all of us have and can keep a job. Talk about how my brother is always there for her. We never once came for this girlā€™s family.

This girl is in the courtroom of her bedroom passing judgment, hasn’t been to work in God knows how long. You can’t even support yourself, how are you gonna support a baby? With the help of your brothers who have responsibilities and lives of their own? Sure theyā€™ll help out when they can but it won’t last forever and it will never compare to the help my family can give.

Now I could say some things about your family. Your parents especially, but I won’t. How about they get off of that high horse and stop acting like they’re squeaky clean? They should worry about the problems they have and get out of everyone elseā€™s business.

Know this, if yā€™all in any way try to withhold a part of our family away from us, yā€™all will fight on your hands. We will not just sit idly by and let you strip her away with your bogus claims of us. Don’t make us an enemy when weā€™re trying our hardest to be yā€™allā€™s friends.

There’s a baby involved, stop letting everyone have your ear. Think about the long-term effects this will have on her. Don’t sell false narratives about the other half of her family. We love her just as much as you. So what you don’t agree with some of our ways, we don’t agree with some of y’allā€™s but we keep our mouths closed. Maybe yā€™all should start doing the same ā˜ŗļø. Stay Blessed šŸ’•

(Strictly an emotional piece and from one POV)

Journal Entry #4

Tonight wasnā€™t fun at all. My grandad once told me I hate not being the center of attention. While that might be partially true, I usually let others shine. I was at a bridal shower for a good friendā€™s upcoming wedding, and at first, everything seemed great.

My cousinā€”who is always the life of the partyā€”fit right in, and the other bridesmaids were cool too. Then the maid of honor arrived. At first, I thought we had sorted things out. We had vibed once when she wanted to cuddle, but I made it clear I wasnā€™t into that. Later, during our second meeting, she and her friends talked about me behind my back, making it obvious they didnā€™t like me. I let it slide for the sake of my friend Jalexis, since weā€™re all part of the bridal party. But donā€™t get it twistedā€”Iā€™m not someone who just takes abuse.

Fast forward to tonight at the club: I felt excluded, judged, and laughed at. Despite my efforts to be myself, I had no support system. It hurt that a friend like Jalexis let her own group influence how she treated me. Even though Jalexis has her good moments, tonight she turned her back on me, leaving me feeling deliberately sidelined.

I showed up, sacrificed my time, and went along with everythingā€”even against my better judgmentā€”only to be met with disregard. Itā€™s frustrating how people can dislike you without really knowing you. Iā€™m not here to prove myself to anyone. If you donā€™t like me, thatā€™s your problem.

I tried to have a good time, but without my cousinā€™s vibe or any real support, downtown just didnā€™t feel like the scene anymore.

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