I donāt know whatās wrong with me lately. Maybe itās my period about to start, maybe itās the lack of sleep, or maybe Iām just frustrated that nothing is going my way. I thought yoga was supposed to calm me down, but honestly, itās had the opposite effect. I didnāt get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying that Whiskey would start crying and need me. I was anticipating her disturbing my peace before it even happened.
We had fun this morning when I took her for a walk. Sheās been so good about not going to the bathroom inside, and I love those little moments where she listens and we connect. But small things are starting to get on my nerves. Like when I was trying to cut the hair by her eyes, and of course, she kept moving. I mean, why wouldnāt she? I was using something sharp near her eyes. She follows me everywhere and cries when I leave the room. Iām trying to train her to stay in her playpen, but she was howling to get out. I didnāt want to reinforce that behavior, but she found her way out anyway.
Then there was the car ride. I had to drop her off at my parentsā house because I had to go to work, and she started off so wellāsitting, laying down, just chilling. But out of nowhere, she tried climbing out. I was driving, and it was frustrating trying to get her to stay in the travel crate. I leave the top open so she doesnāt feel trapped, but I still needed her to stay put. I had to gently push her back in, but I was losing patience. I ended up yelling at her, and she still didnāt listen. Sheās a good girl, but man, sheās starting to get on my nervesssss.
When I dropped her off at my parentās house, I went through all the stuff I brought for herāfood, toys, everything. But my dad brushed me off and said they had it. Like, what? Iām trying to make sure sheās okay, and he just dismissed it. It makes me wonder if I should leave her with someone else. But I guess thatās what happens when the service is free.
On top of all that, my bills are coming up, and despite applying to so many jobs, Iāve had no luck. The job Iām at now plays favorites, and Iām getting fewer hours every week. They keep making these long lists of tasks, and Iām just thinkingāwhy would I go the extra mile when I only get hours when their favorites call out? Let them do it.
I asked my friend a simple yes or no question, and have been on delivered for 2 days. Yet when she texts me she expects me to answer right away. Sheās okay with leaving me downtown alone, breaking the girl code. She was even ready to leave her best friend at a hookah lounge over a disagreement. Itās like she thinks the world revolves around her. And when she does text me, itās only about going out and getting attention from men sheās too afraid to talk to in the first place.
Lately, Iāve been feeling irritable, and maybe itās because I like things my way.
Things in my life are starting to change. I can feel my circle shifting, and my life is moving in a different direction. Itās frustrating and uncomfortable, but Iām finding a way to deal with it through writing. Thatās where I feel most in control.