Dreamscape Part I

Last night I had a dream a storm was coming. I’ve been having reoccurring dreams that destruction is on its way. I try to chalk to up to coincidence, but why are they so persistent? I was in my car when the sky turned black. In bold red letters Corinthians 3. And then a timer started counting down.

Once it got to 0:00 the skies turned into dark grey clouds. Winds began picking up and cars were being swept away.

This was a storm no one saw coming. It started with the tragedy in Texas. With the flooding and many lives lost that no one had any warning about because Trump cut the funding on weather reporting. My dream suggests another one is coming but I don’t know where it will hit.

In another dream I was driving through a city with thousands upon thousands of protestors on one side and the police forces on the others. There were beautiful signs made, but the streets had been torn up and the police had drones flying down creating terror. Butf the people were still fighting back. I get to the end of the road and it’s blocked by a barricade and no way out.

Journal Entry #14

So I met another guy.

He’s sweet, intelligent, and his goals align with mine. He has spiritual depth, which is a rare occurrence I’m noticing. He’s a bit older than I am — not my usual type as far as looks go, but his personality and the way he thinks are attractive.

I knew he was attracted to me and had a little crush, but I paid him no mind. That is, until one day when we were both on break — coincidentally, at the same time. He struck up a conversation, which took me by surprise. I was genuinely interested and impressed with how closely his ideals aligned with mine. I didn’t go too deep — it was our first real conversation — but it kept me thinking for the last couple of days: could this be something?

He texts me to make sure I get home safe. He texts me in the morning. But when I text back, it takes him hours to respond. And that’s growing old quickly.

There’s none of the depth that initially caught my attention in person. His texts feel surface-level — like he doesn’t know what to say. I can start a conversation, but if a person isn’t reciprocating or engaging, then it’s going to die fast. I won’t exert more of my energy to make up for anyone else’s lack of effort.

The texts are flirty, which I liked at first. Something cute like “hey you,” which earned him some points — but now it’s getting repetitive. The conversations aren’t going anywhere, and I’m starting to lose interest.

He’s playful, I’ve noticed. Yesterday I ordered food and he was the one making it. When I came to pick it up, he was acting like I was too slow to get it — which I know is childlike and might seem lame to some, but to me, it was cute. If I’m interested in the person.

I also had a moment of déjà vu the first time he texted me. That initially sparked even more curiosity.

There’s a book I read once — Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss — that explains a theory about déjà vu I found fascinating. A little backstory on the book, A psychiatrist had a patient who suffered from severe anxiety and depression. When none of the usual treatments worked, he turned to hypnotherapy.

Under hypnosis, the woman began to speak as though she had lived dozens of lives before — 87, to be exact. In each life, this same psychiatrist was present in a different form, always playing the role of a teacher or guide. She claimed they were bound by something beyond this life — that their souls had crossed paths many times before.

She described purgatory not as a place of punishment, but as a pause — a waiting room between lives where souls choose the moments they want to carry forward. Moments that might help them find their destiny again if they were cut short the last time. That sense of déjà vu, she said, came from remembering one of those chosen moments.

Even if you don’t take the story literally, it opens your mind to the idea that maybe… just maybe… some people walk into our lives not for the first time — but for another try.

That’s what I felt when he texted me. A strange familiarity. A flicker of memory without a source. It made me wonder: Are our essences tied to something deeper? Is he part of my story in a way I can’t yet see?

But… if he’s not putting in the effort, then I guess I’ve got my answer about his role in my life.

Maybe he’s nervous.

Maybe he’s intimidated.

But here’s what I know for sure:

I will not stop my journey to wait and look back for someone who is unsure and afraid.

Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I don’t mean to get jealous when I hear people say they’ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasn’t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no redemption for me?

People say they’ve felt Jesus’ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happening—the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbers—this can’t be a coincidence. I know people say it’s always been like this, but it’s getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all He’s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I haven’t felt Him, that He doesn’t talk to me, that I can’t hear His voice and know it’s Him—does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, I’ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why can’t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when you’re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone else’s rule? I’m 26. I don’t want to live with my parents—I want to start my own life. I’d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions don’t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? I’ve chosen the side of good, but in the end… what will His judgment decide?

Spiritual Warfare Entry #1

Here we go again.

Apparently, I’m under a spiritual attack. And it only started after I spoke the name Yahweh—the name of our one true God, the Father of Jesus Christ, the Creator of everything. I know Yahweh tests faith. He puts us in situations, lets the enemy come close. But I hope He doesn’t put me through that. I pray He doesn’t.

The reason I say I’m under attack is because the devil has been sending my mom dreams—visions of me dying and going to hell. Of me caught in some kind of trance. I rebuke thee. I’m not afraid of Lucy because I know I’m covered in the blood of Jesus Christ. But part of me wonders… is this more about her demons than mine?

It was still unsettling to hear.

She doesn’t tell me everything because she knows I overthink. What she doesn’t realize is that overthinking helps me prepare for what’s coming. The way she experiences spiritual warfare and the way I experience it—it’s different.

Opening up spiritually has changed me. It’s made me question everything. I don’t know if I’m seeing things for what they really are, or if I’m just going crazy. Maybe this is the beginning of schizophrenia. Maybe this is what a spiritual awakening feels like.

Am I on the right path? Or am I losing my mind?

I can’t even look at my family the same anymore. Take my cousin, for example—I love her to death. But when we had a sleepover and she lay next to me, every time she moved, a thought crept in: What if she stabs me in the back?

I don’t know why I thought that. I know she wouldn’t do that… right?

Maybe spirituality isn’t for everyone. I’m starting to think it isn’t for me either. But I feel like it chose me. And now that I’ve started, now that I know the truth, I can’t go back. I can’t unsee. I can’t live the way I used to live.

And why would I?

Too much is happening in this world to not have the Lord’s protection. I know He tests us—not just our faith, but our spirit. We can be angry at Him, but we were the ones who chose the tree of good and evil. Now only the strongest souls will make it out alive.

I don’t want to burn for eternity. But I also don’t want my mind turning against me.

I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave, either.

This world is cruel. Greedy. Evil. Why would anyone want to stay here? No wonder the good die young—they weren’t meant to see the end. The ones who live through it will wish they could die but will have no choice but to endure it all.

And yet, even knowing all this, I’m still afraid of death.

Even though I know there’s more after this. Something better.

Awakening to the unknown

My heart feels heavy, weighed down by fear and uncertainty. Yet, through Jesus Christ, I find the strength to fight through it and persevere. The world around me seems to be unraveling—climate shifts, strange activity in the skies, talks of aliens, and a government that feels more corrupt by the day. Despite all of this, I still want to hold on to hope. I long to raise my vibration, to align with a reality of peace and clarity, like I keep hearing about on TikTok. But I’m not sure anymore what’s real and what’s fake, especially with the constant advances in AI technology. I don’t know if we’re being distracted, if the government has a hidden agenda, or if they’re just as lost as we are.

Is thinking positively enough to truly shift my reality? If it is, what happens to those around me—my family, my loved ones—who can’t make the leap? My brothers, my sisters, my parents, aunts, uncles… Do I just leave them behind? Even when I know they’re not ready to accept a truth they don’t yet understand? Their fear is so thick it blinds them to the possibilities, to the changes that are coming.

How can I move forward when I’m not even sure I believe it all myself? How can I sell something to them when I’m still questioning it myself? But I want to believe. I want to be able to step into that higher place of peace, love, and truth. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough, or if it’s even possible to leave the ones I love behind in this struggle.