Journal Entry #8

So he texted me today—we’ll just call him Hallo. Just to see if I was working and it seems like if I’m not then we don’t have anything to talk about. Almost as if he can’t be texting me because someone may check his phone? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Honestly, I’m losing interest. It feels like he’s playing games—typical of a guy his age, but I thought he could be different. I thought, why not give him a chance? Silly me.

I was talking to my dad, and he put me on game. He told me that when he says he can’t talk to me because of loyalty to his friends, that’s his way of playing the game. He wants me to chase him, so he can tell his friends he was the one who got me without even trying. I was the one chasing him while they were all chasing me. It’s about bragging rights. And that makes so much sense. And here I am, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe he’s not like that. Maybe this is how my dad was, but not all men are like that. But I can’t ignore the vibes I’m getting from him, and it’s disappointing. I really wanted it to be different this time.

I like the feeling of liking someone, but why do so many men have to be like this? Why is it so hard to find an upstanding guy? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants me for more than just my body? I want someone who can have a real conversation, someone with goals, dreams, and loyalty. And also, someone who’s good-looking. Are all those men taken? Am I not worthy of one?

I get called pretty all the time, but it’s hard to believe it when I keep attracting the same kind of trash. I just want a man to be straight up. To be a man of his word. To say what he means and mean what he says. I know I have things to work on too, but damn, these men need a total overhaul. I’m sickkkk 🤢.

Puppy Blog #3

Whenever I pick Whiskey up from my dad’s, she forgets her home training. Today this girl decided she was tired of the walk I was taking her on and started heading back to the apartment without me. Like Miss Girl, if someone kidnaps you, imma whoop yo ass. I told her to come here and she ran home. She has never done anything like that before.

I have to start walking her on a leash and we have to go over more training. I thought we were making progress but it seems when she has too much freedom all of her training goes out the window.

I don’t think my dad has her on a schedule like I do, so she’ll poop and pee in their house when she hasn’t had any accidents at ours. I’m grateful they can watch her while I’m at work, but it’s frustrating when I feel like my training is for nothing.

My parents got on me because I didn’t want her eating grass after they had just told me she had thrown up earlier from eating some. Like 💁🏽‍♀️ be serious. I care about her, I don’t want to pay for hospital visits when one could’ve been avoided. I watch her closely because she’s only a puppy and doesn’t know better.

I treat her like I would treat my actual child and honestly, the amount of patience and grace I showed after she blatantly walked away from me on our walk has to be some progress. I was so mad. Like girl where do you think you’re going? I just put her right in her playpen and I’m sure she felt my frustration. She cried a little but settled in.

I don’t know what I expected with having a dog but it wasn’t this. I love her but man she’s about to get on my nerves 🙄.

Puppy Blog #2

Where do I start?

I don’t usually keep pets, but right now, I miss my little Whiskey.

She’s staying with my parents for a few days while I work. I’m so grateful they’re here to help—without them, I don’t think I’d have been able to keep her.

Every day, she feels more like a daughter. She gets on my nerves like a human would, but she always greets me excitedly and shows me love.

I call her playpen her “room.”

We’re still in training mode, but she’s pretty close to being potty trained.

She’s a little jokester.

She’s starting to love car rides.

She’s terrified of going down the stairs, but she sprints up them like a pro. She’ll run around the entire building if it means avoiding the trip down. She’s even pooped at the top of the stairs just to avoid going down. Talk about stubbornness. I try to be patient— but I’m getting tired of carrying her every time.

She acts like she’s too good for the food I got her, even though it’s salmon flavored. I was under the impression she liked salmon but I guess the food at my parent’s house tastes better.

She no longer cries in her playpen.

She also has this habit of walking straight into ant piles, like she’s doing it on purpose. I always have to warn her—but honestly, she won’t learn until she sniffs some ants up that cute little nose.

It’s kind of nice knowing I can sleep in tomorrow and not have to wake up to take her on a walk.

But… I was getting kind of used to it.

I miss her.

“The Silence That Answered Me”

I was half expecting to see him tonight, but he never showed.

He told me he worked today. I told him I worked too.

But there was no sight of him. Not even a text.

I know it’s a little soon to be checking my phone, waiting, hoping.

He doesn’t owe me anything—

Still, I kept watching the door like he might walk through it.

Waiting for a message saying he was coming to see me.

It never came.

I glanced toward the corner every few minutes,

Almost broke my neck trying to see if it was him outside the door.

But he never came.

Maybe he meant it when he said he couldn’t talk to me because of his friends.

Maybe he never liked me at all,

And I just made up stories in my head.

Maybe he called off.

Maybe he was with the girl he’s been talking to.

So many maybes.

Not a great beginning—

For something that never got the chance to start.

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

The Challenge

I ended up texting him. It was light-hearted, and I learned more about him. It was easy, smooth, and funny.

He came to see me at my job tonight. He talked about himself and I noticed a bit of a victim mentality. He hasn’t done real self-reflection and he says one thing but means another. For example, he says we can’t talk out of loyalty to men who have called dibs on me like I’m in the front seat of a car. Men I’m not interested in but apparently since they wanted me first, I’m off limits. However, he told me he was attracted to me and that I’m an amazing woman not just because of my looks but because I’m nice with a great personality and easy to talk to.

When he told me we couldn’t talk because of them, I quickly countered with a “we’ll see”, which he liked based on the grin and laugh that followed my statement.

He went on to tell me how these people have been there for him through dark times, and not to be insensitive but what does that have to do with me? I want you, not them. I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me.

I will say, that his dealing with another female at the moment is a deal breaker for me because I don’t share nor do I take…(anymore). Doesn’t usually end well. But let him tell it, they haven’t been talking because they needed space. Still a red flag because I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. And he is the type to jump from one girl to the next.

Black Tee

Meanwhile—tonight, something else happened.

One of my coworkers caught my eye. I mean really caught it. Perfect smile. Perfect teeth. Dreadhead. Deep voice. Handsome. I’d noticed him before, but tonight? Different. He approached me, vibrant and confident. Normally he’s quiet. It was a quick conversation but 😮‍💨 I may need to get to know him off the clock. I didn’t even like him at first, I thought he was very inconsiderate and he cut me off when I was talking or tried to talk over me. But all of that flew out the window when he changed into a black tee after his shift. Black tees just do something to me. It felt like he wanted to talk more, but right as things started… guess who walked in? So I had to make a choice. I told my coworker goodnight. I checked the schedule to see when we work together next and it won’t be for a while 😔.

Our Challenge continued…

Back to my current crush. He’s had his heart broken, another red flag. It seems like he doesn’t want me to know that he likes me. Claiming the reason he started talking to me isn’t because of his interest in me but because of the resources I can provide. But the stories his friends told me contradict what he says. The fact that he has never asked me for said resource tells me a different story. He claims we can’t talk but comes to see me at work. He does work closely, but still. I don’t go over to his job to see him before going home. He’ll text me to see if I’m working on the same days as him. I don’t do that.

However, I did tell him I liked him and that I was interested (not so bluntly but enough to get the picture). I do text him in a rather enthusiastic and eager manner. So I wouldn’t say that this is all one sided.

I believe he’s trying to be a good friend and a good man by telling himself the reason we talk is strictly platonic and innocent. While also realizing that there is more going on than he’s letting on.

Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We’re trying to stay away from each other but feeling that pull. Knowing that our talking could potentially hurt people (and ourselves), but still wanting to do it anyway.

The Mirror

I’ve gone over his red flags but what are mine? He told me that he felt I was leading his friend D on. D felt like I was leading his friend J on. And maybe I do lead men on. The truth is, I like the attention. I don’t like these men but I love their attention. I hate it when I lose it. But it has nothing to do with me liking them romantically. (and hey don’t judge we all have our flaws).

I don’t always consider other people’s feelings—especially when they get in the way of what I want. I’m selfish. Sometimes cruel. 

The Game

This game feels better than the one I’m used to playing. The last game I played with a boy felt forced, this one feels more natural and warm. There are levels to it, let’s just see how far we make it.