Journal Entry #7

Ughh I want to text this boy. I can’t though. He talks to someone yet presents himself as fair game. He’s my type, but younger. I’m trying to stay away from these cubs but they keep finding me. I can’t talk to him because he’ll brag to the circle of friends that we share. I don’t normally text anyone first, so texting him would show interest. I’m not trying to play games but why does it feel like I’ve entered one? Ughh boyssss.

If I was to text him though I don’t know how I would start it off. Maybe something like:

  • “You don’t know how to text?”
  • “Heyyy, how was your day?“
  • “When are we going to hang out?”

But then I think about the drama that can occur. Another problem I don’t need to add to my life. I always end up disappointed in the end anyway, feelings of regret and wishing I never messed with these men in the first place.

But I also don’t want to be a woman who doesn’t give chances to men out of fear. An avoidant woman too scared to even give a man an opportunity. Too broken to see a blessing standing in my face.

I feel chemistry with him. Something I haven’t felt for a while. However, I feel like I pulled away when he tried touching me. Caught a little off guard by the sudden light touch of his hands caressing my arms as he asked me to go to a park with him (as friends of course). I wasn’t sure if I liked it. What I was sure of was that I wasn’t going to give him a chance. I don’t like some of his choice of words and he talks about himself a lot. Doesn’t know what he wants. Jumps from girl to girl it seems. Arrogant and thinks he can pull any girl he wants. Claims that he’s loyal, yet loves making his girl jealous with his female friends. Loyal but flirting with me while still tangled up with her. Cocky as to think any girl would sleep with him because he’s quote “like that”. So you can see my hesitation?

Yet these are the men I’m attracted to. Am I emotionally unavailable? I thought I was working on it and getting better. Yet I’m attracted to the same old thing.

He does have some good qualities though. He has goals, unlike anyone I’ve met before. We talked about our futures separately and it sounds like we want to end up in the same place. He asked questions about me, which not a lot of guys are good at. He’s fairly smooth. He can make me laugh and I can make him laugh.

I’m never really able to tell when a guy has a good conversation, though, because I talk so much. I pick up so much of the slack, and maybe that’s because I like to be in control and don’t give others the chance to speak. But a lot of people hold silence, and I just feel like I have to fill it unless I’m comfortable with the person.

He kind of got a sour look on his face when I was waving at another man that walked in which kind of gave me the ick. Like why are you jealous? You have to know if you’re trying to talk to me, other men are trying to talk to me. Just like other women are trying to talk to you, not to mention the girl you are currently SMASHING.

I can’t let him know I’m interested. Call it pride, ego, or avoidance, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

I’m resisting the urge to text him, but the more I tell myself not to do it, the more I want to. Let the games begin.

Journal Entry #6

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Maybe it’s my period about to start, maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or maybe I’m just frustrated that nothing is going my way. I thought yoga was supposed to calm me down, but honestly, it’s had the opposite effect. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying that Whiskey would start crying and need me. I was anticipating her disturbing my peace before it even happened.

We had fun this morning when I took her for a walk. She’s been so good about not going to the bathroom inside, and I love those little moments where she listens and we connect. But small things are starting to get on my nerves. Like when I was trying to cut the hair by her eyes, and of course, she kept moving. I mean, why wouldn’t she? I was using something sharp near her eyes. She follows me everywhere and cries when I leave the room. I’m trying to train her to stay in her playpen, but she was howling to get out. I didn’t want to reinforce that behavior, but she found her way out anyway.

Then there was the car ride. I had to drop her off at my parents’ house because I had to go to work, and she started off so well—sitting, laying down, just chilling. But out of nowhere, she tried climbing out. I was driving, and it was frustrating trying to get her to stay in the travel crate. I leave the top open so she doesn’t feel trapped, but I still needed her to stay put. I had to gently push her back in, but I was losing patience. I ended up yelling at her, and she still didn’t listen. She’s a good girl, but man, she’s starting to get on my nervesssss.

When I dropped her off at my parent’s house, I went through all the stuff I brought for her—food, toys, everything. But my dad brushed me off and said they had it. Like, what? I’m trying to make sure she’s okay, and he just dismissed it. It makes me wonder if I should leave her with someone else. But I guess that’s what happens when the service is free.

On top of all that, my bills are coming up, and despite applying to so many jobs, I’ve had no luck. The job I’m at now plays favorites, and I’m getting fewer hours every week. They keep making these long lists of tasks, and I’m just thinking—why would I go the extra mile when I only get hours when their favorites call out? Let them do it.

I asked my friend a simple yes or no question, and have been on delivered for 2 days. Yet when she texts me she expects me to answer right away. She’s okay with leaving me downtown alone, breaking the girl code. She was even ready to leave her best friend at a hookah lounge over a disagreement. It’s like she thinks the world revolves around her. And when she does text me, it’s only about going out and getting attention from men she’s too afraid to talk to in the first place.

Lately, I’ve been feeling irritable, and maybe it’s because I like things my way.

Things in my life are starting to change. I can feel my circle shifting, and my life is moving in a different direction. It’s frustrating and uncomfortable, but I’m finding a way to deal with it through writing. That’s where I feel most in control.

Puppy Blog #1

So I just got a dog, yayy. And already I’m having mixed feelings. I love her, she’s by far the easiest animal I’ve had so far. Honestly I don’t know what the mixed feelings are about. Maybe a little self-doubt because everyone reminds me that I haven’t had the best history with animals. I usually return them within a week. Honestly Whiskey (her name) feels different. I’m thinking of ways to be a good mommy to her. But what if she’s too much for me? What if I get annoyed? What if I start getting those familiar feelings of wanting to return her. She really is so precious. It’s just the responsibility of taking care of something other than myself. Which I always think I’m ready for but I end up having doubts about. I’ve always been a selfish person and sometimes with dogs I don’t feel the connection. They can be looking at you with the sweetest expression and sometimes I just feel empty. And I don’t want that energy to transfer to her off of me. Just how I feel. Yet it terrified me when I thought she might not be breathing. I’m sleeping on my couch just in case she needs me in the middle of the night.

Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I don’t mean to get jealous when I hear people say they’ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasn’t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no redemption for me?

People say they’ve felt Jesus’ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happening—the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbers—this can’t be a coincidence. I know people say it’s always been like this, but it’s getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all He’s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I haven’t felt Him, that He doesn’t talk to me, that I can’t hear His voice and know it’s Him—does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, I’ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why can’t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when you’re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone else’s rule? I’m 26. I don’t want to live with my parents—I want to start my own life. I’d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions don’t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? I’ve chosen the side of good, but in the end… what will His judgment decide?