growth – Echo R.S

Silence Isn’t Weakness — It’s Strategy

Let me talk about these two girls real quick. Yes, both of them have made appearances on my blog before, and yes — they’re back again because apparently, they don’t learn. And trust me, I’m trying to keep it respectful, but these girls be trying it. And I really mean trying it.

Girl #1.

She had the audacity to hit my phone going off about a blog post like I was supposed to be scared of her. As if I wouldn’t rock her sh—anyway. I let that situation slide. Never even got an apology, but I’m not the type to hold hate in my heart. I thought we were cool. Cordial, at least. Especially since we share someone we both care about — someone who wouldn’t want to see us fighting.

She came to my birthday. We were cool. But I realized real quick — she’s one of those people who takes more than she gives. I wish my dog could see that. He’s a good man. Solid. He does everything he can for her, and it’s never enough. She’s ungrateful. A social media groupie who thinks she’s Latto, Megan, and Nicki rolled into one, with zero talent to back it up. Just a chicken head clucking on the timeline.

She said getting my dog a pinky ring for his birthday was “too much” and got him a PS4 controller instead. But when it’s her birthday? Valentine’s Day? Christmas? She expects the world. Cluck cluck cluck, that’s all she really knows how to do.

But it gets worse. She put her hands on my dog. Yeah, you heard that right. On a man who doesn’t deserve that. A good man. And the crazy part? When she got called out on it, she laughed. Like it was a joke.

I wasn’t there, but I saw the video. And I swear, the revenge fantasies I had? Jail-worthy. But I have too much to lose. And I know God’s going to handle what I can’t. Because if the roles were reversed, and he laid a hand on her, he’d be in jail.

And all this? Over a missed text? Girl, are you okay?

She blew up because he didn’t respond fast enough while he was with his day ones. Next day, he’s scrambling to make things right with her. And I’m over here like — I can’t even defend him if this is what he keeps running back to.

She doesn’t love him. She wants to own him. She confuses control with closeness. And I hate that I’ve been dragged into it. But I’ve been forced in — intentionally and unintentionally. So now I’m watching his choices in women create problems for me. And it’s tiring.

Now on to girl #2.

I work with this one — thankfully, not for much longer. Not because I can’t handle her, but because she can’t handle me.

We got called into work early one morning. I had just finished a shift at midnight and had to be back by 8. I’m walking up, tired, annoyed, and she’s standing at the door holding it open for everyone… until she sees me. And lets it close.

Like, girl — are you blind? Or just stupid?

She’s lucky I didn’t kick that door down with her walrus-built body standing behind it. But another coworker saw and let me in. I greeted her and walked right past Miss Flipper like she didn’t exist.

Later, during the meeting, I hear her gossiping about me to the same girl who let me in. And of course, the story’s one-sided. But I’m not one to go backwards. I had moved on — or at least I tried to.

Still, I won’t lie: I wanted to stand up and snap. Slap her across the mouth on some Will Smith time and tell her to, “keep my f-ing name out of your mouth” But again — I’ve got too much to lose. I can accomplish way more using my mind than I ever could with my fists.

Here’s the thing:

I’m not mean. But people are pushing me. Testing me. And just because I care — about loyalty, about love, about doing right — doesn’t mean I won’t call it how I see it. Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m weak. I’ve got empathy and emotional intelligence — and that’s exactly why I choose silence over scenes, peace over pettiness, and growth over gossip.

I don’t need to get in anyone’s face. I don’t need to throw punches. Because writing is my punch. But just because I’m empathetic doesn’t mean I’m soft. Just because I think things through doesn’t mean I won’t call you out.

I’m not here to make everyone feel good.

I’m here to speak the truth.

Journal Entry #10

These Boys Are So Lame

I genuinely try to be friends with guys. I try to be nice. And somehow, they always manage to ruin it.

Take one of my coworkers — we’ll call him Larry. Larry told me he was getting me something for my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything, but I thought it was thoughtful that he even mentioned it.

He never got the present.

And honestly, I can’t stand when people make you chase them just to keep their own word. There was no reason for him to say it if he didn’t mean it.

Still, being the forgiving person I am, I tried to move past it. I’m bigger than presents. But during a phone call, Larry showed me exactly who he was. He told me I should be using men who hit on me for money — as if that’s the kind of person I aspire to be. When I made it clear that’s not who I am, he called me stupid for it. Said if he were a woman, he would use every man he could.

Not realizing, of course, that the real fool is him.

Does he think those women aren’t giving something up in return for that money? Does he think that life comes without a price? I refuse to prostitute myself for some cash — sorry if that offends his twisted little view of the world.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to him, but the way he talks to me is disgusting. I speak to people the way I want to be spoken to. Meanwhile, he thinks it’s cute to call me a dumbass, a dyke, stupid.

It’s not cute.

It’s a flashing neon sign telling me never to speak to him again.

He demands things from me, expects responses like he’s entitled to my time, yet he shows no real respect. He even admitted that his sister and best friend would never use men for money — and somehow, he doesn’t call them stupid. Only me.

It’s clear he doesn’t see me as someone he actually respects.

And frankly, I never gave him the impression we were that close.

He asks about my blogs like he can’t read them himself, and then acts like we’re best friends.

Boy, please.

Honestly, it’s no surprise he doesn’t have a girlfriend. You’d have to be an idiot to stick around — or he’d have to grow up first. But the way he carries himself just makes me sick.

I’ve thought about blocking him, but ignoring him and letting him talk to himself sounds a lot more satisfying.

Then there’s Hallo.

Boy, am I over him.

He texted me today, asking if I was working. I asked him why that’s the only time he ever texts me. His answer? “Because it’s the only time I get to see you.”

Huh?

If you actually wanted to see me, you’d make the effort.

So I told him, “That doesn’t mean that’s the only time you can talk to me.”

His response? He called me dry.

Excuse me?

I’ve never had a problem keeping a conversation going. If the energy feels dry, maybe you’re the problem.

But I kept it cute and responded, “I’m just following your lead, since you never have much to say.”

He then asked what I’ve been up to — and he’s been sitting on “delivered” for a few hours now.

Because honestly?

I’m over it. Go find someone else to play with.

Where is my prince charming?

I’m tired of all the games and these boys.

I promise you, once I find you, I will never let you go.

Journal Entry #8

So he texted me today—we’ll just call him Hallo. Just to see if I was working and it seems like if I’m not then we don’t have anything to talk about. Almost as if he can’t be texting me because someone may check his phone? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Honestly, I’m losing interest. It feels like he’s playing games—typical of a guy his age, but I thought he could be different. I thought, why not give him a chance? Silly me.

I was talking to my dad, and he put me on game. He told me that when he says he can’t talk to me because of loyalty to his friends, that’s his way of playing the game. He wants me to chase him, so he can tell his friends he was the one who got me without even trying. I was the one chasing him while they were all chasing me. It’s about bragging rights. And that makes so much sense. And here I am, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe he’s not like that. Maybe this is how my dad was, but not all men are like that. But I can’t ignore the vibes I’m getting from him, and it’s disappointing. I really wanted it to be different this time.

I like the feeling of liking someone, but why do so many men have to be like this? Why is it so hard to find an upstanding guy? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants me for more than just my body? I want someone who can have a real conversation, someone with goals, dreams, and loyalty. And also, someone who’s good-looking. Are all those men taken? Am I not worthy of one?

I get called pretty all the time, but it’s hard to believe it when I keep attracting the same kind of trash. I just want a man to be straight up. To be a man of his word. To say what he means and mean what he says. I know I have things to work on too, but damn, these men need a total overhaul. I’m sickkkk 🤢.

Journal Entry #6

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Maybe it’s my period about to start, maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or maybe I’m just frustrated that nothing is going my way. I thought yoga was supposed to calm me down, but honestly, it’s had the opposite effect. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying that Whiskey would start crying and need me. I was anticipating her disturbing my peace before it even happened.

We had fun this morning when I took her for a walk. She’s been so good about not going to the bathroom inside, and I love those little moments where she listens and we connect. But small things are starting to get on my nerves. Like when I was trying to cut the hair by her eyes, and of course, she kept moving. I mean, why wouldn’t she? I was using something sharp near her eyes. She follows me everywhere and cries when I leave the room. I’m trying to train her to stay in her playpen, but she was howling to get out. I didn’t want to reinforce that behavior, but she found her way out anyway.

Then there was the car ride. I had to drop her off at my parents’ house because I had to go to work, and she started off so well—sitting, laying down, just chilling. But out of nowhere, she tried climbing out. I was driving, and it was frustrating trying to get her to stay in the travel crate. I leave the top open so she doesn’t feel trapped, but I still needed her to stay put. I had to gently push her back in, but I was losing patience. I ended up yelling at her, and she still didn’t listen. She’s a good girl, but man, she’s starting to get on my nervesssss.

When I dropped her off at my parent’s house, I went through all the stuff I brought for her—food, toys, everything. But my dad brushed me off and said they had it. Like, what? I’m trying to make sure she’s okay, and he just dismissed it. It makes me wonder if I should leave her with someone else. But I guess that’s what happens when the service is free.

On top of all that, my bills are coming up, and despite applying to so many jobs, I’ve had no luck. The job I’m at now plays favorites, and I’m getting fewer hours every week. They keep making these long lists of tasks, and I’m just thinking—why would I go the extra mile when I only get hours when their favorites call out? Let them do it.

I asked my friend a simple yes or no question, and have been on delivered for 2 days. Yet when she texts me she expects me to answer right away. She’s okay with leaving me downtown alone, breaking the girl code. She was even ready to leave her best friend at a hookah lounge over a disagreement. It’s like she thinks the world revolves around her. And when she does text me, it’s only about going out and getting attention from men she’s too afraid to talk to in the first place.

Lately, I’ve been feeling irritable, and maybe it’s because I like things my way.

Things in my life are starting to change. I can feel my circle shifting, and my life is moving in a different direction. It’s frustrating and uncomfortable, but I’m finding a way to deal with it through writing. That’s where I feel most in control.

Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I don’t mean to get jealous when I hear people say they’ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasn’t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no redemption for me?

People say they’ve felt Jesus’ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happening—the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbers—this can’t be a coincidence. I know people say it’s always been like this, but it’s getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all He’s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I haven’t felt Him, that He doesn’t talk to me, that I can’t hear His voice and know it’s Him—does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, I’ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why can’t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when you’re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone else’s rule? I’m 26. I don’t want to live with my parents—I want to start my own life. I’d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions don’t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? I’ve chosen the side of good, but in the end… what will His judgment decide?