journey – Page 2

Journal Entry #10

These Boys Are So Lame

I genuinely try to be friends with guys. I try to be nice. And somehow, they always manage to ruin it.

Take one of my coworkers — we’ll call him Larry. Larry told me he was getting me something for my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything, but I thought it was thoughtful that he even mentioned it.

He never got the present.

And honestly, I can’t stand when people make you chase them just to keep their own word. There was no reason for him to say it if he didn’t mean it.

Still, being the forgiving person I am, I tried to move past it. I’m bigger than presents. But during a phone call, Larry showed me exactly who he was. He told me I should be using men who hit on me for money — as if that’s the kind of person I aspire to be. When I made it clear that’s not who I am, he called me stupid for it. Said if he were a woman, he would use every man he could.

Not realizing, of course, that the real fool is him.

Does he think those women aren’t giving something up in return for that money? Does he think that life comes without a price? I refuse to prostitute myself for some cash — sorry if that offends his twisted little view of the world.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to him, but the way he talks to me is disgusting. I speak to people the way I want to be spoken to. Meanwhile, he thinks it’s cute to call me a dumbass, a dyke, stupid.

It’s not cute.

It’s a flashing neon sign telling me never to speak to him again.

He demands things from me, expects responses like he’s entitled to my time, yet he shows no real respect. He even admitted that his sister and best friend would never use men for money — and somehow, he doesn’t call them stupid. Only me.

It’s clear he doesn’t see me as someone he actually respects.

And frankly, I never gave him the impression we were that close.

He asks about my blogs like he can’t read them himself, and then acts like we’re best friends.

Boy, please.

Honestly, it’s no surprise he doesn’t have a girlfriend. You’d have to be an idiot to stick around — or he’d have to grow up first. But the way he carries himself just makes me sick.

I’ve thought about blocking him, but ignoring him and letting him talk to himself sounds a lot more satisfying.

Then there’s Hallo.

Boy, am I over him.

He texted me today, asking if I was working. I asked him why that’s the only time he ever texts me. His answer? “Because it’s the only time I get to see you.”

Huh?

If you actually wanted to see me, you’d make the effort.

So I told him, “That doesn’t mean that’s the only time you can talk to me.”

His response? He called me dry.

Excuse me?

I’ve never had a problem keeping a conversation going. If the energy feels dry, maybe you’re the problem.

But I kept it cute and responded, “I’m just following your lead, since you never have much to say.”

He then asked what I’ve been up to — and he’s been sitting on “delivered” for a few hours now.

Because honestly?

I’m over it. Go find someone else to play with.

Where is my prince charming?

I’m tired of all the games and these boys.

I promise you, once I find you, I will never let you go.

Journal Entry #9

I must be on God’s list this year. Because there’s no way my life should feel this unfulfilling right now.

I have the most disrespectful little cousin. It’s downright disgusting. Saying things like make sure to pull his pants up after I’m done dick-riding. Like what? How disrespectful. Yuck, nobody wants that scrawny, hard-to-find shit. It made me want to cut him off for life. Maybe that’s cool with the younger part of my generation but not with me.

Then there’s all these boys who want to be around me, want to flirt, want to talk—but don’t ever want to show up for me.

One calls himself my work husband, but the minute I asked him for a favor, he told me he would do it then he went MIA—until I said never mind. Then suddenly he responded.

I asked another guy for the same favor, one who promised to call me the night before. I called him—no answer.

Some of them just ignored me altogether.

Even Hallo disappointed me. I was telling him about something that happened with one of his friends (who likes me), and he brushed it off like it was nothing.

It’s not that people can’t disagree with me. It’s how they do it.

He asked me to explain, to give him my time—and then told me, “It’s not that deep.”

That’s the part that pisses me off. I gave him my attention, my energy, my feelings—and got dismissed.

Even my cousin—someone I used to be super close with—has been distant. He doesn’t pick up my calls, doesn’t text back. And when he does call, it’s only to talk about the women in his life.

I’m scared he’s going down a dark path.

This is 26 🎉🎂🥳

Let me start by saying: today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

And let me finish by saying: my patience is being tested at record levels.

We all know I don’t like when things don’t go my way. Now multiply that by ten—because it’s my birthday.

People love to tell me what they can and can’t do. It’s always me compromising.

I hate being there for people who don’t show me the same courtesy.

I hate when people don’t respond to my messages.

I hate when I ask a question and people act like they didn’t hear me.

I hate how inconsiderate people are.

I hate the games people play.

I hate that when someone disrespects me, I have to get out of character just to be heard—and still somehow end up the bad guy.

I hate putting others’ needs before my own.

I hate not getting everything I want.

I hate not being able to control everything.

I hate that my blog doesn’t get much traffic.

I hate how much I think about people who don’t think about me.

I hate how people always make everything about themselves.

I hate when my dog doesn’t listen.

I hate not being understood.

I hate people who play victim.

I hate compromising.

I hate failing.

I hate when God doesn’t talk to me.

I hate not feeling like myself.

I hate feeling insecure.

I hate feeling unloved.

I hate feeling ignored.

I hate feeling like I can’t be myself.

I hate feeling like I’m not important.

I hate feeling like I’m not special.

Though I’ve expressed my feelings through this post I still have so much anger. There is still so much left to say. I have a feeling at the bottom of my heart. Discouragement scapes the depths of my brain. Irritation is at the root of my emotions. On the edge of becoming numb and forgetting the world and its people. Forgetting that I care for people, forgetting they have emotions and they too need someone to lean on. But when am I going to stop letting people have full access to me when I barely have partial access to them?

I know this is kind of negative for my birthday—but honestly, what better way to start it off than with a little cathartic writing?

Journal Entry #8

So he texted me today—we’ll just call him Hallo. Just to see if I was working and it seems like if I’m not then we don’t have anything to talk about. Almost as if he can’t be texting me because someone may check his phone? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Honestly, I’m losing interest. It feels like he’s playing games—typical of a guy his age, but I thought he could be different. I thought, why not give him a chance? Silly me.

I was talking to my dad, and he put me on game. He told me that when he says he can’t talk to me because of loyalty to his friends, that’s his way of playing the game. He wants me to chase him, so he can tell his friends he was the one who got me without even trying. I was the one chasing him while they were all chasing me. It’s about bragging rights. And that makes so much sense. And here I am, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe he’s not like that. Maybe this is how my dad was, but not all men are like that. But I can’t ignore the vibes I’m getting from him, and it’s disappointing. I really wanted it to be different this time.

I like the feeling of liking someone, but why do so many men have to be like this? Why is it so hard to find an upstanding guy? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants me for more than just my body? I want someone who can have a real conversation, someone with goals, dreams, and loyalty. And also, someone who’s good-looking. Are all those men taken? Am I not worthy of one?

I get called pretty all the time, but it’s hard to believe it when I keep attracting the same kind of trash. I just want a man to be straight up. To be a man of his word. To say what he means and mean what he says. I know I have things to work on too, but damn, these men need a total overhaul. I’m sickkkk 🤢.

“The Silence That Answered Me”

I was half expecting to see him tonight, but he never showed.

He told me he worked today. I told him I worked too.

But there was no sight of him. Not even a text.

I know it’s a little soon to be checking my phone, waiting, hoping.

He doesn’t owe me anything—

Still, I kept watching the door like he might walk through it.

Waiting for a message saying he was coming to see me.

It never came.

I glanced toward the corner every few minutes,

Almost broke my neck trying to see if it was him outside the door.

But he never came.

Maybe he meant it when he said he couldn’t talk to me because of his friends.

Maybe he never liked me at all,

And I just made up stories in my head.

Maybe he called off.

Maybe he was with the girl he’s been talking to.

So many maybes.

Not a great beginning—

For something that never got the chance to start.