journey – Page 3

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

The Challenge

I ended up texting him. It was light-hearted, and I learned more about him. It was easy, smooth, and funny.

He came to see me at my job tonight. He talked about himself and I noticed a bit of a victim mentality. He hasn’t done real self-reflection and he says one thing but means another. For example, he says we can’t talk out of loyalty to men who have called dibs on me like I’m in the front seat of a car. Men I’m not interested in but apparently since they wanted me first, I’m off limits. However, he told me he was attracted to me and that I’m an amazing woman not just because of my looks but because I’m nice with a great personality and easy to talk to.

When he told me we couldn’t talk because of them, I quickly countered with a “we’ll see”, which he liked based on the grin and laugh that followed my statement.

He went on to tell me how these people have been there for him through dark times, and not to be insensitive but what does that have to do with me? I want you, not them. I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me.

I will say, that his dealing with another female at the moment is a deal breaker for me because I don’t share nor do I take…(anymore). Doesn’t usually end well. But let him tell it, they haven’t been talking because they needed space. Still a red flag because I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. And he is the type to jump from one girl to the next.

Black Tee

Meanwhile—tonight, something else happened.

One of my coworkers caught my eye. I mean really caught it. Perfect smile. Perfect teeth. Dreadhead. Deep voice. Handsome. I’d noticed him before, but tonight? Different. He approached me, vibrant and confident. Normally he’s quiet. It was a quick conversation but 😮‍💨 I may need to get to know him off the clock. I didn’t even like him at first, I thought he was very inconsiderate and he cut me off when I was talking or tried to talk over me. But all of that flew out the window when he changed into a black tee after his shift. Black tees just do something to me. It felt like he wanted to talk more, but right as things started… guess who walked in? So I had to make a choice. I told my coworker goodnight. I checked the schedule to see when we work together next and it won’t be for a while 😔.

Our Challenge continued…

Back to my current crush. He’s had his heart broken, another red flag. It seems like he doesn’t want me to know that he likes me. Claiming the reason he started talking to me isn’t because of his interest in me but because of the resources I can provide. But the stories his friends told me contradict what he says. The fact that he has never asked me for said resource tells me a different story. He claims we can’t talk but comes to see me at work. He does work closely, but still. I don’t go over to his job to see him before going home. He’ll text me to see if I’m working on the same days as him. I don’t do that.

However, I did tell him I liked him and that I was interested (not so bluntly but enough to get the picture). I do text him in a rather enthusiastic and eager manner. So I wouldn’t say that this is all one sided.

I believe he’s trying to be a good friend and a good man by telling himself the reason we talk is strictly platonic and innocent. While also realizing that there is more going on than he’s letting on.

Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We’re trying to stay away from each other but feeling that pull. Knowing that our talking could potentially hurt people (and ourselves), but still wanting to do it anyway.

The Mirror

I’ve gone over his red flags but what are mine? He told me that he felt I was leading his friend D on. D felt like I was leading his friend J on. And maybe I do lead men on. The truth is, I like the attention. I don’t like these men but I love their attention. I hate it when I lose it. But it has nothing to do with me liking them romantically. (and hey don’t judge we all have our flaws).

I don’t always consider other people’s feelings—especially when they get in the way of what I want. I’m selfish. Sometimes cruel.

The Game

This game feels better than the one I’m used to playing. The last game I played with a boy felt forced, this one feels more natural and warm. There are levels to it, let’s just see how far we make it.

Journal Entry #6

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Maybe it’s my period about to start, maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or maybe I’m just frustrated that nothing is going my way. I thought yoga was supposed to calm me down, but honestly, it’s had the opposite effect. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying that Whiskey would start crying and need me. I was anticipating her disturbing my peace before it even happened.

We had fun this morning when I took her for a walk. She’s been so good about not going to the bathroom inside, and I love those little moments where she listens and we connect. But small things are starting to get on my nerves. Like when I was trying to cut the hair by her eyes, and of course, she kept moving. I mean, why wouldn’t she? I was using something sharp near her eyes. She follows me everywhere and cries when I leave the room. I’m trying to train her to stay in her playpen, but she was howling to get out. I didn’t want to reinforce that behavior, but she found her way out anyway.

Then there was the car ride. I had to drop her off at my parents’ house because I had to go to work, and she started off so well—sitting, laying down, just chilling. But out of nowhere, she tried climbing out. I was driving, and it was frustrating trying to get her to stay in the travel crate. I leave the top open so she doesn’t feel trapped, but I still needed her to stay put. I had to gently push her back in, but I was losing patience. I ended up yelling at her, and she still didn’t listen. She’s a good girl, but man, she’s starting to get on my nervesssss.

When I dropped her off at my parent’s house, I went through all the stuff I brought for her—food, toys, everything. But my dad brushed me off and said they had it. Like, what? I’m trying to make sure she’s okay, and he just dismissed it. It makes me wonder if I should leave her with someone else. But I guess that’s what happens when the service is free.

On top of all that, my bills are coming up, and despite applying to so many jobs, I’ve had no luck. The job I’m at now plays favorites, and I’m getting fewer hours every week. They keep making these long lists of tasks, and I’m just thinking—why would I go the extra mile when I only get hours when their favorites call out? Let them do it.

I asked my friend a simple yes or no question, and have been on delivered for 2 days. Yet when she texts me she expects me to answer right away. She’s okay with leaving me downtown alone, breaking the girl code. She was even ready to leave her best friend at a hookah lounge over a disagreement. It’s like she thinks the world revolves around her. And when she does text me, it’s only about going out and getting attention from men she’s too afraid to talk to in the first place.

Lately, I’ve been feeling irritable, and maybe it’s because I like things my way.

Things in my life are starting to change. I can feel my circle shifting, and my life is moving in a different direction. It’s frustrating and uncomfortable, but I’m finding a way to deal with it through writing. That’s where I feel most in control.

Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I don’t mean to get jealous when I hear people say they’ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasn’t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no redemption for me?

People say they’ve felt Jesus’ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happening—the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbers—this can’t be a coincidence. I know people say it’s always been like this, but it’s getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all He’s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I haven’t felt Him, that He doesn’t talk to me, that I can’t hear His voice and know it’s Him—does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, I’ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why can’t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when you’re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone else’s rule? I’m 26. I don’t want to live with my parents—I want to start my own life. I’d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions don’t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? I’ve chosen the side of good, but in the end… what will His judgment decide?

“Not for Everyone, and That’s Fine”

Why did this man text me snapping? He clearly has issues, and I’m so glad I never went on a date with him. He called me a hoe, and when I fired back, he hit me with the usual—telling me I’m alone, that my box must be trash, that I need to focus on the fact that I’m single at 25, how it’s going to bring him joy that I have a period every month. Not knowing that I happen to really enjoy my period; makes me feel like a woman. And honestly, that just proves my point: a lot of men of this generation have lost their minds. I don’t tolerate disrespect. But I’m still mad at myself for even giving him my energy.

Marriage and having a man? Of course, I’d love that one day, but I’m in no rush. I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now regretting a decision I made just because I felt pressured. I want to know what I can tolerate, what I can live with. I don’t want to settle and end up resenting my own choices. Right now, my focus is on me and my career.

I don’t fit in with a lot of people, and maybe that’s because I’m very honest. Or maybe it’s the way I carry myself—with confidence love and self respect. But some people perceive that as I think I’m better than everyone. People just assume things about me before even getting to know me. They will never know the trials and tribulations I went through to even become the woman I am today.

When you’re leveling up, there’s always something trying to hold you back. I have to let go of anything pulling me down. That includes men like him. The men who hate women and only want to use women for their bodies.

I don’t care about the things other people obsess over. Sex is whatever at this point—it’s all men seem to think about, and I’m just over it. The second I call them out for treating me like an object, suddenly I’m a hoe, I play games, I’m not even pretty. Same tired story.

And then there’s the women who don’t like me for no reason. But I knew this was coming. I was getting along with too many people, and I wondered when the shoe would drop. I’ve never been a social butterfly. I keep to myself for a reason.

I know the truth about myself, and that’s all that matters. I’m self-aware. I trust my own eyes. I trust my own instincts. People may not see the error in their ways, but I do. And no one likes being corrected.

Why Dating Feels Hopeless Right Now: A Woman’s Perspective

Tonight, we joked about how I might end up a spinster. It’s a wild thought, but maybe there’s some truth to it. I’ve spent my life surrounded by men—nine brothers, raised by my dad, and working in a male-dominated environment. I hear how men talk, and let me tell you, it’s a lot to unpack.

Men don’t love the way women do. Once a man gets his heart broken, every woman who comes after has to measure up to his ex. Instead of healing, many become distrustful, using their past pain as an excuse to treat women poorly. I’ve seen men juggle multiple women, not because they’re looking for love, but because they’re trying to fill the void she left. Lust is easier than vulnerability. They don’t want to risk getting hurt again.

• Different types of men I’ve encountered

Married men tend to have the most wandering eyes. The so-called “good guys” often come with their own set of problems. Many are socially awkward, lack confidence, or have bad hygiene. The rest are already taken, have kids, are too old, too young, or live too far away. They’re rarely fun or mentally challenging. On the flip side, attractive men walk around like they’re God’s gift to women, their egos so inflated it’s exhausting. They have so many women throwing themselves at them, they forget how to be a decent human being, because females let them get away with everything. Military men? The worst offenders. I get that they’re busy, but they act like their schedules are the only ones that matter. Maybe I need more attention than they can give, but the attitude they carry is unbearable. Like, thank you for your service, but fuck you, my nigga.

Even the men who aren’t conventionally attractive have the most to say about what a woman should be. What kind of life she should’ve lived. Who she shouldn’t have spread her legs for. They judge women while holding themselves to the lowest standards. They’ll criticize a woman’s past while ignoring their own, treating women like used cars that lose value over time. It’s frustrating how deep the hypocrisy runs.

•A cooked generation

Men will say things like, “Women are supposed to have more self-control than men.” Maybe that’s a societal norm, but I refuse to accept it. Men are supposed to lead, so what happens when generations of men have been cheating, beating, and using women? You get a new generation of women who have learned to cheat, beat, and use men. I’ve never seen so many women cheating in my life. The example men have set is now coming back to them, and they can’t handle it.

These same men will wine and dine women, act like their boyfriend, then sleep with them, use them, and toss them aside like nothing. And if a woman dares to say she feels played? They respond with indifference, like, “Yeah, and?” Then they judge her, conveniently forgetting the role they played in creating that dynamic. Sure, some women are okay with being used, but not every woman is willing to put up with the mess men bring to the table.

Men ask for so much while giving so little. They want youth, beauty, and obedience, thinking more with their dicks than their hearts or minds. And it’s not that I want to hate them. There’s so much to love. They can be hilarious without trying, incredibly sweet when they want to be. I admire their strength, their confidence, their desire to protect. Some make my workdays easier, lighter. But their egos? That’s where they lose me. Maybe it’s just the men I’ve surrounded myself with or maybe the men I’m looking for don’t exist anymore.