love – Echo R.S

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If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you that I felt a spark.

If it wasn’t so early , I’d tell you I felt a connection.

If it wasn’t so early. I’d tell you that I want to talk more.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you that I love your voice.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d say that you’ve ignited a fire inside of me.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you the way your energy turns me on.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d reconsider the where I want to move.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you I hate that you take for ever to text back.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you that your smile is on constant replay in my mind.

If it wasn’t so early, I’d tell you I miss our deep conversations.

My ego wants to believe you began to pull back because you were afraid of what this might be. That it’s easier to let go than to be vulnerable.

But reality may be that my feelings were one sided.

The reality may be you may have someone already.

The reality may be, we weren’t meant to be.

The reality is I don’t even know much about you.

But I’d be lying if I say you didn’t stir something up inside of me.

Your confidence pulled me in.

But your responsiveness repelled me out.

Your depth consumed me.

But your distance released me.

He’s sweet, intelligent, and his goals align with mine. He has spiritual depth, which is a rare occurrence I’m noticing. He’s a bit older than I am — not my usual type as far as looks go, but his personality and the way he thinks are attractive.

I knew he was attracted to me and had a little crush, but I paid him no mind. That is, until one day when we were both on break — coincidentally, at the same time. He struck up a conversation, which took me by surprise. I was genuinely interested and impressed with how closely his ideals aligned with mine. I didn’t go too deep — it was our first real conversation — but it kept me thinking for the last couple of days: could this be something?

He texts me to make sure I get home safe. He texts me in the morning. But when I text back, it takes him hours to respond. And that’s growing old quickly.

There’s none of the depth that initially caught my attention in person. His texts feel surface-level — like he doesn’t know what to say. I can start a conversation, but if a person isn’t reciprocating or engaging, then it’s going to die fast. I won’t exert more of my energy to make up for anyone else’s lack of effort.

The texts are flirty, which I liked at first. Something cute like “hey you,” which earned him some points — but now it’s getting repetitive. The conversations aren’t going anywhere, and I’m starting to lose interest.

He’s playful, I’ve noticed. Yesterday I ordered food and he was the one making it. When I came to pick it up, he was acting like I was too slow to get it — which I know is childlike and might seem lame to some, but to me, it was cute. If I’m interested in the person.

I also had a moment of déjà vu the first time he texted me. That initially sparked even more curiosity.

There’s a book I read once — Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss — that explains a theory about déjà vu I found fascinating. A little backstory on the book, A psychiatrist had a patient who suffered from severe anxiety and depression. When none of the usual treatments worked, he turned to hypnotherapy.

Under hypnosis, the woman began to speak as though she had lived dozens of lives before — 87, to be exact. In each life, this same psychiatrist was present in a different form, always playing the role of a teacher or guide. She claimed they were bound by something beyond this life — that their souls had crossed paths many times before.

She described purgatory not as a place of punishment, but as a pause — a waiting room between lives where souls choose the moments they want to carry forward. Moments that might help them find their destiny again if they were cut short the last time. That sense of déjà vu, she said, came from remembering one of those chosen moments.

Even if you don’t take the story literally, it opens your mind to the idea that maybe… just maybe… some people walk into our lives not for the first time — but for another try.

That’s what I felt when he texted me. A strange familiarity. A flicker of memory without a source. It made me wonder: Are our essences tied to something deeper? Is he part of my story in a way I can’t yet see?

But… if he’s not putting in the effort, then I guess I’ve got my answer about his role in my life.

Maybe he’s nervous.

Maybe he’s intimidated.

But here’s what I know for sure:

I will not stop my journey to wait and look back for someone who is unsure and afraid.

Journal Entry #10

These Boys Are So Lame

I genuinely try to be friends with guys. I try to be nice. And somehow, they always manage to ruin it.

Take one of my coworkers — we’ll call him Larry. Larry told me he was getting me something for my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything, but I thought it was thoughtful that he even mentioned it.

He never got the present.

And honestly, I can’t stand when people make you chase them just to keep their own word. There was no reason for him to say it if he didn’t mean it.

Still, being the forgiving person I am, I tried to move past it. I’m bigger than presents. But during a phone call, Larry showed me exactly who he was. He told me I should be using men who hit on me for money — as if that’s the kind of person I aspire to be. When I made it clear that’s not who I am, he called me stupid for it. Said if he were a woman, he would use every man he could.

Not realizing, of course, that the real fool is him.

Does he think those women aren’t giving something up in return for that money? Does he think that life comes without a price? I refuse to prostitute myself for some cash — sorry if that offends his twisted little view of the world.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to him, but the way he talks to me is disgusting. I speak to people the way I want to be spoken to. Meanwhile, he thinks it’s cute to call me a dumbass, a dyke, stupid.

It’s not cute.

It’s a flashing neon sign telling me never to speak to him again.

He demands things from me, expects responses like he’s entitled to my time, yet he shows no real respect. He even admitted that his sister and best friend would never use men for money — and somehow, he doesn’t call them stupid. Only me.

It’s clear he doesn’t see me as someone he actually respects.

And frankly, I never gave him the impression we were that close.

He asks about my blogs like he can’t read them himself, and then acts like we’re best friends.

Boy, please.

Honestly, it’s no surprise he doesn’t have a girlfriend. You’d have to be an idiot to stick around — or he’d have to grow up first. But the way he carries himself just makes me sick.

I’ve thought about blocking him, but ignoring him and letting him talk to himself sounds a lot more satisfying.

Then there’s Hallo.

Boy, am I over him.

He texted me today, asking if I was working. I asked him why that’s the only time he ever texts me. His answer? “Because it’s the only time I get to see you.”

Huh?

If you actually wanted to see me, you’d make the effort.

So I told him, “That doesn’t mean that’s the only time you can talk to me.”

His response? He called me dry.

Excuse me?

I’ve never had a problem keeping a conversation going. If the energy feels dry, maybe you’re the problem.

But I kept it cute and responded, “I’m just following your lead, since you never have much to say.”

He then asked what I’ve been up to — and he’s been sitting on “delivered” for a few hours now.

Because honestly?

I’m over it. Go find someone else to play with.

Where is my prince charming?

I’m tired of all the games and these boys.

I promise you, once I find you, I will never let you go.

Journal Entry #8

So he texted me today—we’ll just call him Hallo. Just to see if I was working and it seems like if I’m not then we don’t have anything to talk about. Almost as if he can’t be texting me because someone may check his phone? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Honestly, I’m losing interest. It feels like he’s playing games—typical of a guy his age, but I thought he could be different. I thought, why not give him a chance? Silly me.

I was talking to my dad, and he put me on game. He told me that when he says he can’t talk to me because of loyalty to his friends, that’s his way of playing the game. He wants me to chase him, so he can tell his friends he was the one who got me without even trying. I was the one chasing him while they were all chasing me. It’s about bragging rights. And that makes so much sense. And here I am, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe he’s not like that. Maybe this is how my dad was, but not all men are like that. But I can’t ignore the vibes I’m getting from him, and it’s disappointing. I really wanted it to be different this time.

I like the feeling of liking someone, but why do so many men have to be like this? Why is it so hard to find an upstanding guy? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants me for more than just my body? I want someone who can have a real conversation, someone with goals, dreams, and loyalty. And also, someone who’s good-looking. Are all those men taken? Am I not worthy of one?

I get called pretty all the time, but it’s hard to believe it when I keep attracting the same kind of trash. I just want a man to be straight up. To be a man of his word. To say what he means and mean what he says. I know I have things to work on too, but damn, these men need a total overhaul. I’m sickkkk 🤢.

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

The Challenge

I ended up texting him. It was light-hearted, and I learned more about him. It was easy, smooth, and funny.

He came to see me at my job tonight. He talked about himself and I noticed a bit of a victim mentality. He hasn’t done real self-reflection and he says one thing but means another. For example, he says we can’t talk out of loyalty to men who have called dibs on me like I’m in the front seat of a car. Men I’m not interested in but apparently since they wanted me first, I’m off limits. However, he told me he was attracted to me and that I’m an amazing woman not just because of my looks but because I’m nice with a great personality and easy to talk to.

When he told me we couldn’t talk because of them, I quickly countered with a “we’ll see”, which he liked based on the grin and laugh that followed my statement.

He went on to tell me how these people have been there for him through dark times, and not to be insensitive but what does that have to do with me? I want you, not them. I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me.

I will say, that his dealing with another female at the moment is a deal breaker for me because I don’t share nor do I take…(anymore). Doesn’t usually end well. But let him tell it, they haven’t been talking because they needed space. Still a red flag because I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. And he is the type to jump from one girl to the next.

Black Tee

Meanwhile—tonight, something else happened.

One of my coworkers caught my eye. I mean really caught it. Perfect smile. Perfect teeth. Dreadhead. Deep voice. Handsome. I’d noticed him before, but tonight? Different. He approached me, vibrant and confident. Normally he’s quiet. It was a quick conversation but 😮‍💨 I may need to get to know him off the clock. I didn’t even like him at first, I thought he was very inconsiderate and he cut me off when I was talking or tried to talk over me. But all of that flew out the window when he changed into a black tee after his shift. Black tees just do something to me. It felt like he wanted to talk more, but right as things started… guess who walked in? So I had to make a choice. I told my coworker goodnight. I checked the schedule to see when we work together next and it won’t be for a while 😔.

Our Challenge continued…

Back to my current crush. He’s had his heart broken, another red flag. It seems like he doesn’t want me to know that he likes me. Claiming the reason he started talking to me isn’t because of his interest in me but because of the resources I can provide. But the stories his friends told me contradict what he says. The fact that he has never asked me for said resource tells me a different story. He claims we can’t talk but comes to see me at work. He does work closely, but still. I don’t go over to his job to see him before going home. He’ll text me to see if I’m working on the same days as him. I don’t do that.

However, I did tell him I liked him and that I was interested (not so bluntly but enough to get the picture). I do text him in a rather enthusiastic and eager manner. So I wouldn’t say that this is all one sided.

I believe he’s trying to be a good friend and a good man by telling himself the reason we talk is strictly platonic and innocent. While also realizing that there is more going on than he’s letting on.

Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We’re trying to stay away from each other but feeling that pull. Knowing that our talking could potentially hurt people (and ourselves), but still wanting to do it anyway.

The Mirror

I’ve gone over his red flags but what are mine? He told me that he felt I was leading his friend D on. D felt like I was leading his friend J on. And maybe I do lead men on. The truth is, I like the attention. I don’t like these men but I love their attention. I hate it when I lose it. But it has nothing to do with me liking them romantically. (and hey don’t judge we all have our flaws).

I don’t always consider other people’s feelings—especially when they get in the way of what I want. I’m selfish. Sometimes cruel.

The Game

This game feels better than the one I’m used to playing. The last game I played with a boy felt forced, this one feels more natural and warm. There are levels to it, let’s just see how far we make it.

Tag Archives: love

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Journal Entry #14

Journal Entry #10

Journal Entry #8

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)