relationships – Page 2

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

The Challenge

I ended up texting him. It was light-hearted, and I learned more about him. It was easy, smooth, and funny.

He came to see me at my job tonight. He talked about himself and I noticed a bit of a victim mentality. He hasn’t done real self-reflection and he says one thing but means another. For example, he says we can’t talk out of loyalty to men who have called dibs on me like I’m in the front seat of a car. Men I’m not interested in but apparently since they wanted me first, I’m off limits. However, he told me he was attracted to me and that I’m an amazing woman not just because of my looks but because I’m nice with a great personality and easy to talk to.

When he told me we couldn’t talk because of them, I quickly countered with a “we’ll see”, which he liked based on the grin and laugh that followed my statement.

He went on to tell me how these people have been there for him through dark times, and not to be insensitive but what does that have to do with me? I want you, not them. I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me.

I will say, that his dealing with another female at the moment is a deal breaker for me because I don’t share nor do I take…(anymore). Doesn’t usually end well. But let him tell it, they haven’t been talking because they needed space. Still a red flag because I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound. And he is the type to jump from one girl to the next.

Black Tee

Meanwhile—tonight, something else happened.

One of my coworkers caught my eye. I mean really caught it. Perfect smile. Perfect teeth. Dreadhead. Deep voice. Handsome. I’d noticed him before, but tonight? Different. He approached me, vibrant and confident. Normally he’s quiet. It was a quick conversation but 😮‍💨 I may need to get to know him off the clock. I didn’t even like him at first, I thought he was very inconsiderate and he cut me off when I was talking or tried to talk over me. But all of that flew out the window when he changed into a black tee after his shift. Black tees just do something to me. It felt like he wanted to talk more, but right as things started… guess who walked in? So I had to make a choice. I told my coworker goodnight. I checked the schedule to see when we work together next and it won’t be for a while 😔.

Our Challenge continued…

Back to my current crush. He’s had his heart broken, another red flag. It seems like he doesn’t want me to know that he likes me. Claiming the reason he started talking to me isn’t because of his interest in me but because of the resources I can provide. But the stories his friends told me contradict what he says. The fact that he has never asked me for said resource tells me a different story. He claims we can’t talk but comes to see me at work. He does work closely, but still. I don’t go over to his job to see him before going home. He’ll text me to see if I’m working on the same days as him. I don’t do that.

However, I did tell him I liked him and that I was interested (not so bluntly but enough to get the picture). I do text him in a rather enthusiastic and eager manner. So I wouldn’t say that this is all one sided.

I believe he’s trying to be a good friend and a good man by telling himself the reason we talk is strictly platonic and innocent. While also realizing that there is more going on than he’s letting on.

Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We’re trying to stay away from each other but feeling that pull. Knowing that our talking could potentially hurt people (and ourselves), but still wanting to do it anyway.

The Mirror

I’ve gone over his red flags but what are mine? He told me that he felt I was leading his friend D on. D felt like I was leading his friend J on. And maybe I do lead men on. The truth is, I like the attention. I don’t like these men but I love their attention. I hate it when I lose it. But it has nothing to do with me liking them romantically. (and hey don’t judge we all have our flaws).

I don’t always consider other people’s feelings—especially when they get in the way of what I want. I’m selfish. Sometimes cruel.

The Game

This game feels better than the one I’m used to playing. The last game I played with a boy felt forced, this one feels more natural and warm. There are levels to it, let’s just see how far we make it.

Journal Entry #7

Ughh I want to text this boy. I can’t though. He talks to someone yet presents himself as fair game. He’s my type, but younger. I’m trying to stay away from these cubs but they keep finding me. I can’t talk to him because he’ll brag to the circle of friends that we share. I don’t normally text anyone first, so texting him would show interest. I’m not trying to play games but why does it feel like I’ve entered one? Ughh boyssss.

If I was to text him though I don’t know how I would start it off. Maybe something like:

“You don’t know how to text?”
“Heyyy, how was your day?“
“When are we going to hang out?”

But then I think about the drama that can occur. Another problem I don’t need to add to my life. I always end up disappointed in the end anyway, feelings of regret and wishing I never messed with these men in the first place.

But I also don’t want to be a woman who doesn’t give chances to men out of fear. An avoidant woman too scared to even give a man an opportunity. Too broken to see a blessing standing in my face.

I feel chemistry with him. Something I haven’t felt for a while. However, I feel like I pulled away when he tried touching me. Caught a little off guard by the sudden light touch of his hands caressing my arms as he asked me to go to a park with him (as friends of course). I wasn’t sure if I liked it. What I was sure of was that I wasn’t going to give him a chance. I don’t like some of his choice of words and he talks about himself a lot. Doesn’t know what he wants. Jumps from girl to girl it seems. Arrogant and thinks he can pull any girl he wants. Claims that he’s loyal, yet loves making his girl jealous with his female friends. Loyal but flirting with me while still tangled up with her. Cocky as to think any girl would sleep with him because he’s quote “like that”. So you can see my hesitation?

Yet these are the men I’m attracted to. Am I emotionally unavailable? I thought I was working on it and getting better. Yet I’m attracted to the same old thing.

He does have some good qualities though. He has goals, unlike anyone I’ve met before. We talked about our futures separately and it sounds like we want to end up in the same place. He asked questions about me, which not a lot of guys are good at. He’s fairly smooth. He can make me laugh and I can make him laugh.

I’m never really able to tell when a guy has a good conversation, though, because I talk so much. I pick up so much of the slack, and maybe that’s because I like to be in control and don’t give others the chance to speak. But a lot of people hold silence, and I just feel like I have to fill it unless I’m comfortable with the person.

He kind of got a sour look on his face when I was waving at another man that walked in which kind of gave me the ick. Like why are you jealous? You have to know if you’re trying to talk to me, other men are trying to talk to me. Just like other women are trying to talk to you, not to mention the girl you are currently SMASHING.

I can’t let him know I’m interested. Call it pride, ego, or avoidance, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

I’m resisting the urge to text him, but the more I tell myself not to do it, the more I want to. Let the games begin.

“Not for Everyone, and That’s Fine”

Why did this man text me snapping? He clearly has issues, and I’m so glad I never went on a date with him. He called me a hoe, and when I fired back, he hit me with the usual—telling me I’m alone, that my box must be trash, that I need to focus on the fact that I’m single at 25, how it’s going to bring him joy that I have a period every month. Not knowing that I happen to really enjoy my period; makes me feel like a woman. And honestly, that just proves my point: a lot of men of this generation have lost their minds. I don’t tolerate disrespect. But I’m still mad at myself for even giving him my energy.

Marriage and having a man? Of course, I’d love that one day, but I’m in no rush. I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now regretting a decision I made just because I felt pressured. I want to know what I can tolerate, what I can live with. I don’t want to settle and end up resenting my own choices. Right now, my focus is on me and my career.

I don’t fit in with a lot of people, and maybe that’s because I’m very honest. Or maybe it’s the way I carry myself—with confidence love and self respect. But some people perceive that as I think I’m better than everyone. People just assume things about me before even getting to know me. They will never know the trials and tribulations I went through to even become the woman I am today.

When you’re leveling up, there’s always something trying to hold you back. I have to let go of anything pulling me down. That includes men like him. The men who hate women and only want to use women for their bodies.

I don’t care about the things other people obsess over. Sex is whatever at this point—it’s all men seem to think about, and I’m just over it. The second I call them out for treating me like an object, suddenly I’m a hoe, I play games, I’m not even pretty. Same tired story.

And then there’s the women who don’t like me for no reason. But I knew this was coming. I was getting along with too many people, and I wondered when the shoe would drop. I’ve never been a social butterfly. I keep to myself for a reason.

I know the truth about myself, and that’s all that matters. I’m self-aware. I trust my own eyes. I trust my own instincts. People may not see the error in their ways, but I do. And no one likes being corrected.

Why Dating Feels Hopeless Right Now: A Woman’s Perspective

Tonight, we joked about how I might end up a spinster. It’s a wild thought, but maybe there’s some truth to it. I’ve spent my life surrounded by men—nine brothers, raised by my dad, and working in a male-dominated environment. I hear how men talk, and let me tell you, it’s a lot to unpack.

Men don’t love the way women do. Once a man gets his heart broken, every woman who comes after has to measure up to his ex. Instead of healing, many become distrustful, using their past pain as an excuse to treat women poorly. I’ve seen men juggle multiple women, not because they’re looking for love, but because they’re trying to fill the void she left. Lust is easier than vulnerability. They don’t want to risk getting hurt again.

• Different types of men I’ve encountered

Married men tend to have the most wandering eyes. The so-called “good guys” often come with their own set of problems. Many are socially awkward, lack confidence, or have bad hygiene. The rest are already taken, have kids, are too old, too young, or live too far away. They’re rarely fun or mentally challenging. On the flip side, attractive men walk around like they’re God’s gift to women, their egos so inflated it’s exhausting. They have so many women throwing themselves at them, they forget how to be a decent human being, because females let them get away with everything. Military men? The worst offenders. I get that they’re busy, but they act like their schedules are the only ones that matter. Maybe I need more attention than they can give, but the attitude they carry is unbearable. Like, thank you for your service, but fuck you, my nigga.

Even the men who aren’t conventionally attractive have the most to say about what a woman should be. What kind of life she should’ve lived. Who she shouldn’t have spread her legs for. They judge women while holding themselves to the lowest standards. They’ll criticize a woman’s past while ignoring their own, treating women like used cars that lose value over time. It’s frustrating how deep the hypocrisy runs.

•A cooked generation

Men will say things like, “Women are supposed to have more self-control than men.” Maybe that’s a societal norm, but I refuse to accept it. Men are supposed to lead, so what happens when generations of men have been cheating, beating, and using women? You get a new generation of women who have learned to cheat, beat, and use men. I’ve never seen so many women cheating in my life. The example men have set is now coming back to them, and they can’t handle it.

These same men will wine and dine women, act like their boyfriend, then sleep with them, use them, and toss them aside like nothing. And if a woman dares to say she feels played? They respond with indifference, like, “Yeah, and?” Then they judge her, conveniently forgetting the role they played in creating that dynamic. Sure, some women are okay with being used, but not every woman is willing to put up with the mess men bring to the table.

Men ask for so much while giving so little. They want youth, beauty, and obedience, thinking more with their dicks than their hearts or minds. And it’s not that I want to hate them. There’s so much to love. They can be hilarious without trying, incredibly sweet when they want to be. I admire their strength, their confidence, their desire to protect. Some make my workdays easier, lighter. But their egos? That’s where they lose me. Maybe it’s just the men I’ve surrounded myself with or maybe the men I’m looking for don’t exist anymore.

Tag Archives: relationships

The Pull (extension of J.E 7)

Journal Entry #7

“Not for Everyone, and That’s Fine”

Why Dating Feels Hopeless Right Now: A Woman’s Perspective

Protected: Journal entry #3