Closer to Faith, Further from Comfort

I don’t mean to get jealous when I hear people say they’ve talked to God. But it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe He hasn’t forgiven me for my sins? Maybe I’ve messed up so badly that there’s no redemption for me?

People say they’ve felt Jesus’ presence, and I want to feel it too. I need to feel it. All the demonic things happening—the violence, the sex being displayed in record numbers—this can’t be a coincidence. I know people say it’s always been like this, but it’s getting worse.

Maybe it’s because I don’t fear God like the Bible says? I don’t fear him as God but rather His wrath and judgment. After all He’s my father, He doesn’t want to hurt me but may punish me when he sees fit.

But the fact that I haven’t felt Him, that He doesn’t talk to me, that I can’t hear His voice and know it’s Him—does that mean I need to study more? Or am I doing it all wrong?

When I fasted, I felt closer to His Word. I felt closer to figuring out the truth of the world, but I still never heard His voice. Maybe certain ideas I have are implemented by him, but how do I know for sure?

Lately, I’ve been taking loss after loss. Losing friends, failed relationships, and getting rejected by jobs that can further my career. I have bills outweighing my income, surprise debts making an appearance and an aggressive lender who will not stop hounding me about making payments.

I know the Bible says not to love earthly things, that I have to be willing to lose everything for my faith. But why can’t I be comfortable while waiting for the Lord? I know I shouldn’t worry but when you’re on the verge of losing everything how could you not be? Potentially move back into life under someone else’s rule? I’m 26. I don’t want to live with my parents—I want to start my own life. I’d like to live in my own space. Not necessarily luxurious, but comfortable. Also why tell us not to love the Earth, when you put us here? Not blaspheming just questioning.

Maybe all these desires, all this stress and worry, and all of my questions don’t matter in the end.

Time is running out, the end is near.

I invite Jesus into my house. He can stop by anytime, but will He? I’ve chosen the side of good, but in the end… what will His judgment decide?

Spiritual Warfare Entry #1

Here we go again.

Apparently, I’m under a spiritual attack. And it only started after I spoke the name Yahweh—the name of our one true God, the Father of Jesus Christ, the Creator of everything. I know Yahweh tests faith. He puts us in situations, lets the enemy come close. But I hope He doesn’t put me through that. I pray He doesn’t.

The reason I say I’m under attack is because the devil has been sending my mom dreams—visions of me dying and going to hell. Of me caught in some kind of trance. I rebuke thee. I’m not afraid of Lucy because I know I’m covered in the blood of Jesus Christ. But part of me wonders… is this more about her demons than mine?

It was still unsettling to hear.

She doesn’t tell me everything because she knows I overthink. What she doesn’t realize is that overthinking helps me prepare for what’s coming. The way she experiences spiritual warfare and the way I experience it—it’s different.

Opening up spiritually has changed me. It’s made me question everything. I don’t know if I’m seeing things for what they really are, or if I’m just going crazy. Maybe this is the beginning of schizophrenia. Maybe this is what a spiritual awakening feels like.

Am I on the right path? Or am I losing my mind?

I can’t even look at my family the same anymore. Take my cousin, for example—I love her to death. But when we had a sleepover and she lay next to me, every time she moved, a thought crept in: What if she stabs me in the back?

I don’t know why I thought that. I know she wouldn’t do that… right?

Maybe spirituality isn’t for everyone. I’m starting to think it isn’t for me either. But I feel like it chose me. And now that I’ve started, now that I know the truth, I can’t go back. I can’t unsee. I can’t live the way I used to live.

And why would I?

Too much is happening in this world to not have the Lord’s protection. I know He tests us—not just our faith, but our spirit. We can be angry at Him, but we were the ones who chose the tree of good and evil. Now only the strongest souls will make it out alive.

I don’t want to burn for eternity. But I also don’t want my mind turning against me.

I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave, either.

This world is cruel. Greedy. Evil. Why would anyone want to stay here? No wonder the good die young—they weren’t meant to see the end. The ones who live through it will wish they could die but will have no choice but to endure it all.

And yet, even knowing all this, I’m still afraid of death.

Even though I know there’s more after this. Something better.

Seeking Truth in a World of Deception

A lot is happening. A lot has already happened. In the midst of it all, I find myself returning to Christ. I don’t mean to distance myself from family and friends, but right now, my focus is on understanding God—truly understanding Him—so that there is no doubt in my heart that I am following the right path. With everything going on in the world, I find refuge in the Lord.

And yet, I understand why people struggle to believe in Him—I struggle too. How do you put faith in something you’ve never seen? The Bible is filled with accounts from men appointed by God, men with gifts beyond human comprehension. It makes me wonder—what if those whom society labels as mentally ill, like people with schizophrenia, are actually experiencing visions of truth that the rest of us cannot see? In scripture, prophets saw things others couldn’t. What if some people today have been given similar gifts, but instead of being believed, they are silenced—written off as insane?

The Bible speaks of spiritual warfare. If Satan is truly the ruler of this world, is he imprisoning those who know too much? Silencing those who could reveal the truth while deceiving those who live freely? My mother and her brother, both diagnosed with mental disorders, once claimed they saw the underground world—an inverted reality, like Stranger Things’ “Upside Down”—in a swimming pool behind a convention center. I didn’t see it myself, but I can’t write it off as impossible anymore.

Deception and Control

More and more, we hear about unexplained phenomena—alien sightings, unidentified aerial phenomena (UAPs), and stories of extraterrestrial beings walking among us. Years ago, these ideas were dismissed as fantasy. Now, as reports increase, they are becoming harder to ignore. We trust the government to tell us the truth, but what if they don’t even know what’s really happening? Or worse—what if they do?

Take the case of Andrew Dawson, the man who filmed what appeared to be a giant on a mountain. His video went viral, but when he tried to get a closer look, he was stopped by a CIA agent. He began being followed by unmarked cars. He was coerced into recanting his story. Soon after, he died under mysterious circumstances—but not before saying that everything he had claimed was true.

Why does the government work so hard to suppress certain information? What truth are they trying to keep from us? They may say it’s for our protection, and maybe in some cases it is. But if mere humans are willing to go to such extreme measures, what lengths do you think the Devil will go to in order to keep you from finding out the ultimate truth?

The governments of this world are not just corrupt—they are spiritually compromised. Whether they realize it or not, they operate under forces beyond human understanding.

Spiritual Warfare in Politics and Culture

I believe Donald Trump is being used by dark forces. While I don’t think he is the Devil himself, I do believe he is being influenced by Satan—or at the very least, by his followers. The enemy has surrounded him with forces he cannot shake because he does not truly know God or Jesus. And he is not the only one. The influence of darkness is everywhere.

Look at the music industry. The songs we consume glorify infidelity, violence, and greed—the opposite of God’s teachings. Entertainment and media are powerful tools, and many believe they serve a darker purpose. Artists like Taylor Swift, Lil Wayne, and Rihanna have openly referenced—some even praised—Satan in their music.

Even in everyday life, we are surrounded by subtle signs of deception. The commercialization of basic necessities, like food, contradicts the very nature of God’s provision. We were never meant to hoard wealth while others starve. If we take from those who have less, how can we claim to be followers of Christ?

For centuries, we have been deceived. Desensitized to the truth. From stories romanticizing mermaids and vampires to the branding on our favorite coffee shops. Take Starbucks, for example. The logo features a siren—a mythological creature known for luring sailors to their doom. She holds both her tails up in a way that suggests seduction and entrapment. It may seem trivial, but that’s the point. We dismiss it as nothing, failing to recognize how deeply ingrained these symbols have become in our culture.

The Question We Must Answer

If people acknowledge Satan’s existence, how can they deny God’s? One cannot exist without the other.

In a world that exalts pride over humility, we convince ourselves that we know best—even when the truth says otherwise. The ways of this world are not God’s ways, yet humanity clings stubbornly to its own understanding, refusing to accept that we might be wrong.

No one has seen God, and perhaps we never will. But He owes us no proof. It is we who must prove ourselves to Him.

Awakening to the unknown

My heart feels heavy, weighed down by fear and uncertainty. Yet, through Jesus Christ, I find the strength to fight through it and persevere. The world around me seems to be unraveling—climate shifts, strange activity in the skies, talks of aliens, and a government that feels more corrupt by the day. Despite all of this, I still want to hold on to hope. I long to raise my vibration, to align with a reality of peace and clarity, like I keep hearing about on TikTok. But I’m not sure anymore what’s real and what’s fake, especially with the constant advances in AI technology. I don’t know if we’re being distracted, if the government has a hidden agenda, or if they’re just as lost as we are.

Is thinking positively enough to truly shift my reality? If it is, what happens to those around me—my family, my loved ones—who can’t make the leap? My brothers, my sisters, my parents, aunts, uncles… Do I just leave them behind? Even when I know they’re not ready to accept a truth they don’t yet understand? Their fear is so thick it blinds them to the possibilities, to the changes that are coming.

How can I move forward when I’m not even sure I believe it all myself? How can I sell something to them when I’m still questioning it myself? But I want to believe. I want to be able to step into that higher place of peace, love, and truth. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough, or if it’s even possible to leave the ones I love behind in this struggle.